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Am I fixed yet?


I had a conversation with my best friend Mary recently regarding her status of being awake. She said, “I just want to be awakened already”. Ha! Wise sage I am at this point, I was able to pass along a message I heard many times during the beginning of my journey, in essence – she is awake, the rest is relative. Meaning, that being awake or aware is the beginning of the journey, and our journey is our entire life. But I could totally commiserate with her, because at one point, I really, honestly thought with all of my heart that I would come to be healed and “perfect”. Yes, I know, I’m cute.


Being awakened simply means that we start to become aware of our deep-seated patterns, beliefs and habits. This awareness is what actually provides us the ability to change and adapt into a healthier mode of being. Unhealthy patterns have been programmed into our subconscious minds from a very young age and been reinforced through repetition. If we could all be blatantly honest with ourselves, we know exactly what these patterns are. However, the avoidance of pain keeps us from ever truly addressing and moving on from these wounds. The Universe works in a sort of mirroring effect and gives us externally that which is a vibrational match to our internal standing. This means our external circumstances will constantly provide opportunities for our healing. So, for example if my deep seeded belief is that I am unlovable, and everyone leaves me, I will subconsciously attract men (people) who reflect this belief. Until I heal this part of my shadow side or subconscious, I will unwittingly find myself chasing after men who want nothing to do with me. And yes, I speak from personal experience.


I wasn’t forced to address these habits until I was brought to my knees by such pain that I literally thought I wouldn’t survive it. Pain that forced me to look at myself, to really see myself and the part I played in these tragedies. And to be quite honest, I didn’t like what I saw many times. I will warn you, that looking at yourself is not for the faint of heart. And as if this isn’t hard enough, after we become aware, we also become accountable. Accountability means I acknowledge and accept the fact that I also played a part in my own pain, we can no longer push blame solely onto another party. We must then make changes in our lives if we want to move forward. In my case, if I had valued and loved myself in the past, these situations wouldn’t have even been allowed to enter my awareness.


Grasping for a status or progress on our spiritual journey is also something that happens in the “real world”. Our ego desires for us to be somewhere, at some point we have deemed okay along this path. It’s our ego’s way of keeping us from being the present moment. To be in the present moment, we see ourselves exactly as we are, and love and accept ourselves anyway. We acknowledge the need and desire for change without crucifying ourselves. We give ourselves space to transition to a new way of being. And let me warn you – it is process. This shit goes down in layers, so it also comes up in layers. I can’t tell you how many times I thought I was over something to only be re-triggered over and over again. This has really been a time in my life where my stubbornness comes in handy. My desire to be free of the suffering I was enduring, kept me pushing forward towards complete forgiveness and compassion.


Being in the present moment is the only thing which actually provides us with true freedom. When we are in the present moment, we are not harping on the past or hoping for the future – we just ARE. Accepting and loving ourselves as we are in this moment, perfectly imperfect.


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