Almost my entire life, I felt like I was some kind of sexual weirdo. No matter how much I thought I wanted to, I just couldn’t do casual like other people. The few times I did step outside of my comfort zone and do the hookup scene, I would catch feelings and then feel even more of a weirdo. Like, what is wrong with me that I can’t just have sex with someone and not have it be a thing? I would start to envision the “relationship” going somewhere it was never going to go, with men who just weren’t emotionally available. Such assholes, right…..It was all their fault, right? Wrongsies.
Healing this aspect of my wounding has been interesting. Even more so when I started to see that if I was attracting and allowing men into my life that weren’t emotionally available, that also meant I wasn’t emotionally available on some level. Say what, HUH???? Yea, me the queen of empath, feeling everything, was not emotionally available in a romantic entanglement. It was like this self-fulfilling prophecy, I opened myself up to a man, he wasn’t able to give me what I needed and wanted in a relationship and I was proved right. See, it’s all his fault. He doesn’t know how to let love in, to be emotionally present. I am being open and sharing and caring and HE isn’t able to. What a jerkoff!
To understand this, let’s go back to my childhood, shall we? My dad was physically present most of my life. But he was emotionally unavailable if there was ever a poster child for it. I just wanted him to see me. To pay attention to me. I needed that energy, his focus. The only times I really saw it were when he was drinking, when I was achieving and doing what he approved of, or when I was in trouble. I just wanted him to see me for me. To really see me, you know. To just accept and appreciate me exactly as I was. Like, to sit with me while I was doing something. Or to listen to me when I was feeling some kinda way. I just wanted his presence. After this modeling of male behavior and intimacy, of course I would continue this pattern into male romantic relationships. I would want a man to see me, but I was also terrified of it. My psyche associated being seen with either being in trouble or accomplishing something and being “good”. But we all just want to be seen and loved for who we are, not for what we are doing or not doing.
I would come to learn during my healing, that nothing was wrong with me. Because of how women’s brains are wired, we develop feelings and attachments with men much more easily once we’ve had that physical engagement. Men are more physical beings and can have sex without it being a thing. Remember, from an evolutionary lens, men are wired to procreate, to spread their seed. If they were emotionally connected to every woman they had sex with, it just wouldn’t work. Of course, we have all evolved in many ways, but it’s also helpful for me to remember. Men aren’t assholes or dogs; they are just wired in a different way. And also, more importantly, the way I’m wired requires an emotional connection for me to truly open up sexually.
The issues in my particular situation is that I judged my caring. I judged my inability to simply connect on a physical level without the emotional aspect. But I was also TERRIFED of opening myself up to someone in that way. If someone breaks your heart and it was only superficial, it might hurt but not as deeply as it will when you’ve barred your soul to them, right? It isn’t the fact that emotionally available men were attracted to me that was the issue, I was the part of me that was attracted to them. The very thing I wanted so deeply; I was also utterly terrified of. My brain warned, it’s safer to stay at arm’s length with a man. Don’t open up too much, don’t really share who you are.
Overcoming this pattern has been a process for sure. Instead of ignoring how I’m feeling, I acknowledge when men aren’t available. I don’t judge it anymore but I can also send them on their way much quicker than I used to. I can see the old pattern wanting to play out but with my conscious awareness, I am able to move past it quicker, without as much damage as before. I am able to see what I want and need from a partner in a much more compassionate way. And the quicker I release the ones that aren’t for me, the quicker my dude can come in. So, come on down my emotionally available hot ass divine partner. I’m ready for ya…..emotional vulnerability and all. And, until then, I’ll take care of my own needs, thank you very much 😊
And for those of you out there who “suffer” from the same affliction, give yourself permission to be who you are. I’m here to let you know, there is nothing wrong with you if you can’t or don’t want to do casual. Honor your sensitivity and your feelings. You are a magical fucking unicorn.
Love ya’ll Robin