Updated: May 3
This post may not make some of you happy. Thank God that is not my job 😊. One lesson I had to learn in a rather difficult manner is that if I didn’t like the way I was being treated by a man, I alone had the power to change that fact (or perception, as it may be). See, energetically, we can only attract someone who will treat us in a way that matches our own value of ourselves. If I don’t love myself and I’m constantly talking down to me, then I will attract a man who will do the same. If I value myself, set boundaries and care about my own needs, I will energetically draw a man to me who does the same. The unfortunate fact is that as women, we really have a skewed understanding of how powerful we are. Especially in the area of relationships.
If we just look at masculine and feminine energy in a very basic way, masculine energy does, and feminine energy is. Feminine energy receives information from the Universe, and masculine energy takes that insight and creates the thing. In tarot, we can look at the Empress and Emperor energy. She is fertile and bountiful, receiving from the Universe. He is strong, steady and creates. But he does so based on her insights. Since every single person has both sides of this duality, we can see this spiritual law take place in our own lives. We get an insight when we are in the receiving mode, then our masculine aspect creates the thing. If we take this general understanding and look at a relationship, the woman sets the tone and drives the relationship bus. Not at all what most of us have been led to believe. When the woman stands in her power and value, the man follows. Again, this is a gross generalization for understanding purposes. But yes, it also applies if you are in the LBGTQ community. Whoever has the most feminine energy will set the stage, and the masculine energy will follow along.
The reason many women or people in their feminine energy can feel like they are at the whim of masculine energy is because we don't value ourselves, and then we don’t set boundaries. Here’s an example for ya – If you know that sleeping with someone early on isn’t great for you, but you do it anyway for fear of driving a person away, you aren’t valuing your needs. The man thinks everything is fine, but deep down, you know you didn’t honor your needs and boundaries. After a while, resentments and understandings start to build. I’m sure if you try, you can find other examples in your life. If it’s hard for you to see your own shit, look at someone else’s struggle with boundaries. This dynamic can and does play out in so many aspects of our lives. It’s fairly easy to set boundaries with people you don’t like or know very well, right? But the stakes get higher when you have to say no to someone you really like. For those of us who are energetically sensitive, this can be even more challenging. If we say no, we can tell how much the other person is affected, even if they don’t say a word. Over time, we begin to ignore our own needs to fulfill those needs of our loved ones.
The other reason this is a thing is because in our society we value the victim or underdog. We villainize people who don’t treat us well. Since the Universe is all loving and wants us to be healed, it will send us those people who will treat us some kinda way. This is not to punish us, but instead to force us to get to a point where we are so fed up with the same old shit, that we eventually stand up for ourselves. BUT!! Then we can no longer be the victim. We can’t say, “oh it was all their fault. If they weren’t such a horrible SOB, they wouldn’t have treated me like this”. I totally get it, sometimes it’s not so easy to see our part in the stories we have created for ourselves.
Which brings me to one of the most powerful boundaries you can set for yourself – not engaging with the person at all. If someone really is unable to treat us the way we desire and deserve, why would we allow them to be in our lives? No matter what position they hold. Many times, the people closest to us are the ones who will trigger us in the biggest way. This is by design. Sometimes the U will push us so hard so that we can see objectively, this doesn’t feel good, I’m not going to engage. As you start to create healthy boundaries for yourself, start small and know that it’s a process. There is no right or wrong or some general rule about boundaries because they are individual to each and every one of us.
Ya'll know I'm not gonna leave you hangin'. Here are some helpful tips about how you can start to value yourself and also to set healthy boundaries.
How to value yourself
In word – Speak kindly to yourself. What thoughts or beliefs are you saying over and over again in your little head? Do you beat yourself up over perceived screwups? Do you call yourself fat and stupid? Notice those patterns, then work on changing them. If you don’t know how, ask the Universe for help. When we acknowledge we want to work on something, the Universe will deliver the person that can help us. Pay attention to signs and opportunities.
In acts – Do you take care of yourself with the basics? Shower, shave, throw out clothes that don’t fit you anymore or things that don’t feel good? Do you take yourself out? Do you rest when you’re tired? Again, start small. Five minutes of self-reflection everyday can show you where you might be neglecting yourself. Balance is key; we need play, fun, work and rest.
How to set boundaries
Start small – If you’re not comfortable setting boundaries, start to find small areas of your life you can switch up. Shut your phone off at night. Tell you mom you can’t talk on the phone past 8pm. Or if you can’t verbalize that to her yet, just don’t take calls after 8pm. Make it simple and easy. Be gentle with yourself as you make these changes. Shitty boundaries didn’t develop overnight, so they probably won’t go away overnight either.
Practice – Find fun ways to practice. Team up with a buddy and practice saying no to each other. Write down your needs and say them out loud to yourself or your friend. Practice makes perfect. The more you do the thing, the easier it gets.
Keep it fun and light – Don’t make such a big deal out of it. I know sometimes this is easier said than done, but that’s why you take baby steps. Make the boundary funny or silly. Like, I have to log off my computer at 8pm because my dog requires me to sit next to her while she licks her peanut. LOL. Life is only as serious as we make it. And really, it’s not that damn serious.
Hit up your girl Robin if you need some one-on-one love –. When we find spiritual healers that can help us with certain things, it’s only because they have also been through the same or similar experience and can provide insights and suggestions on how to improve. Also, in energy work, I provide that vibration to you. Since I worked through the same thing, when we connect in a session, I am able to help you release those blockages holding you back. So, if it feels aligned, schedule a session with me and we can do some witchy hippie stuff to work through and process your gumby boundaries.
Please be gentle with yourself. This is a life-long process on various levels. For sure, I know how challenging this can be. I also has the fun abandonment stuff weaved into my psyche so I was afraid that anytime I told someone no, they would leave me or abandon me. It was really painful for me to say no for a while, but it has gotten so much easier. You start to see how people actually really like boundaries and will respect you more. I love you and you’re killing it!!!!!!!!!!