Updated: Dec 16, 2018
A few years ago, when I started noticing I had anxiety it seemed like it came out of the blue. Now looking back I see how cute and naïve that belief was. The first part of my life, there were kinda three distinct periods of my life 1) childhood where all my beliefs were installed and programmed into me, 2) the middle of my life where I did absolutely nothing other than wallow in my own depression, not leaving the house for much of anything and 3) the final period before my awakening. During this time, I was like a crazy woman. This period involved filling every waking moment of my day with some task until I passed out around 9 or 10 every night. I literally had 4 jobs at one point. Why? I have no idea. But I do know that I was mentally, spiritually and emotionally exhausted. During my years of go, go, go I would wake up first thing in the morning and have this tightness in my chest this overwhelming feeling of things just not being ok. Those moments were probably the only point during my day I could actually hear myself think. On some level I knew just how unhappy I was, just how much I was drowning in my own shit. But in true Robin form, I just kept pushing forward. It wasn’t until very recently that I was reminded why I would feel this way (like just this morning).
Even though I’ve grown so much the past few years and have healed so much of my past wounds, I still wake up feeling like this some mornings – tightness in my chest, the worry that I’m not safe or protected. This morning, it was caused by a dream last night that reminded me of a pattern I used to have. However, this pattern has not actually had an opportunity to act itself out in my current life. It was instead presented to me in my dream to bring it out into awareness. I initially didn’t want to admit it to myself because it brought about shame on some level. Like, this is so stupid…why do I feel this way? But in the quiet, still hours of the morning, I can’t hide from my feelings or the wound that is begging to be looked at. I was reminded on my walk and talk this morning that all our issues want is awareness. Awareness is simply the acknowledgment of our shit. And I swear to Bob, that’s all it wants. I don’t know why or how this works, but it does. You know how in AA they say, “the first step is admitting you have a problem.” Yea, it’s kinda like that.
For many of us, the morning is a time where our heart and soul can speak to us. But for many of us, we don’t always like what they have to say. In the quiet of the morning, other distractions don’t have an opportunity to drown out these simple, soft callings of what we REALLY want and need. Although many of us do, we are not meant to live years in pain and suffering. Nah, the contrary is true. Our feelings and beliefs just need to be brought out into the light. As soon as we allow ourselves to do so, we begin to heal. This is why talk therapy and writing help so much with resolving things we’ve long kept buried. When beliefs are kept in our head, circling over and over again (I’ve lovingly dubbed this mental masturbation) they just continue to create our reality for us, going completely unchecked and resolved.
The other problem my overachieving ass came up against along the way is that when I started healing things, I wanted everything to be “fixed” right away so I could be “normal”. And really, since I suffered from the perfectionism disease, I wanted to be perfect. At some point I just started acknowledging and accepting that once the jacked-up belief came up I could just trust that it would be healed when it was ready. Not when I wanted it to, not when I thought I’d had enough, but when the Universe had rung every last bit out of me. For some of my really deep beliefs, I needed a lot of time to heal them. This was super frustrating for me, I am someone who wants to get things done, to push forward – but that’s not how God works. God knows exactly what needs to be healed and the little, intricate steps that will get us there. It is our job to know the end goal, not the plays in the middle of the game. This is why following our intuition is so key. God has all the little things lined up for us along that way that will peel back one more layer of the wound. I mean, if I developed this crap over 39.5 years, it would stand to reason it’s gonna take a hot minute to heal.
If you are starting to have these moments of fear, anxiety or an overwhelming belief that you are ****ed up beyond belief, it’s ok! We all are in some manner 😊 Just remember to acknowledge your feelings and beliefs, if only to yourself in the beginning. Then when the time is right, God will lead you to the person, place or thing that will aid in your healing. Remember – the entire Universe and God are on your side! They want you to be healed oh so badly. We just have to be in the flow and allow the world to be our oyster. (Such an odd saying since oysters aren’t that big, but whatever.) The utter beauty of my healing has blown me away so many times. Looking back, I see so many things that were presented to me at exactly the right time - the book I picked up and opened up to a passage I needed to read, the text message a friend sent me with an article, hearing about a cleanse that my body needed, the list goes on and on. Don’t take this healing journey as seriously as I used to - make it fun, it's meant to be. During our individual journeys we get to try new things and have exciting experiences which are all ultimately for our highest good, pretty darn cool actually!
Until we meet again, Love and Light ya’ll!