I’ve always been sort of a walking lie detector. I never knew how I knew the things I knew, I just knew them somewhere in my gut. However, this gift did not always serve me well in the first part of my life. During that stage, I just couldn’t stand it when someone lied to me or if people were being fake. It’s like it was some personal affront to me. And when people close to me did it, it hurt so deeply I just couldn’t fathom it. It irritated every fiber of my being and I felt like it was my personal responsibility to get the truth from them. (You can see how this might create some issues.)
Until I learned I was an empath, I had no idea why things like this bothered me to my core. Like why, if someone I care about was in emotion pain, I would bend over backwards trying to make things right for them because it pained me to see them suffering. Which can really come in handy for someone else to be around me if I choose to take on their shit for them. As usual, I really excelled at this in the romantic arena. You see, on top of being an empath, I also learned the good ole fashioned boundaries of a co-dependent. For those of you who don’t know what that looks like – I was an amoeba, or in layman’s terms, I had zero boundaries. I honestly didn’t know where that person’s shit ended and mine began. It was like a f**king free for all, and I was the WINNER!!!!!!! Yes!!! Come one, come all!! Please bring me your dysfunction, I’ll fix it!!!
What I’ve learned the second half of my life, is that most people lie without even knowing they do it, because on a very deep level they are also lying to themselves. Lying to themselves about who they are, what their motives are, what they want, how they feel. In a romantic relationship, when your energy is so intertwined with another’s, this was almost unbearable for me to endure. As the resident fixer, I felt the need to rectify the situation and bring world order.
One really awesome tool that my amazing counselor recommended for me was the Codependent No More app by Melody Beattie. She also has a book by the same name that I read a minute ago, but I really enjoyed the daily messages the app had. Through learning about co-dependency and how it relates to our sense of security in our second or Sacral chakra, I’ve become aware of these patterns. Recognizing that when our second chakra is out of balance it can create feelings of insecurity, jealousy and fear in relationships. It has really helped me along the way to discern what is mine and what isn’t, so it can be lovingly returned to the other person to deal with. In the past, I often mistook my unhealthy boundaries as being loving and caring, which I am extremely so to those I love. Again, not a bad thing until it gets out of hand. Because then, guess what happens??? Good ole resentment comes walking through the door.
Resentment in a situation is your inner guidance system telling you that something is off and out of balance. But instead of heeding my inner guidance system, and either setting boundaries or leaving the situation, I would get angry at the other person expecting them to change and start being normal. My plans always seem so good in my head, if everyone would just get the memo and follow along. In society, somewhere along the way, we have forgotten that resentment and anger are really a gift to us, they are an inner warning that something is not right. But for us women especially, we are taught that it’s not lady like to be angry or upset. So instead, we get in this super unhealthy cycle of feeling angry, doing the bitch mode, feeling bad about it, becoming the doormat again and then repeating the cycle when we start to hear the warning bells again.
When we start to love ourselves enough to set healthy boundaries, we begin to say no to things that don’t serve our highest good. In the beginning, this may seem unloving and we will probably get push back from some people. Spoiler alert – these are the people who are getting the most out of our crummy boundaries. At some point, these healthy boundaries just become part of the new us. And honestly, it’s so ironic - the thing that we fear would push people away, is what actually allows them to come closer. When we are balanced and healthy in the second chakra and with our boundaries, we start to love and respect ourselves more, which allows us to respect and love others more. We learn to love ourselves exactly where we are, exactly as we are, which naturally flows to our loved ones allowing us to be in balance.