Some of you know that the past year I have taken a deep dive on healing some of my deepest wounds. Much of this healing has been facilitated by the Ayahuasca ceremony I did in June. Since then, I’ve been really working on the physical integration piece of it. As I’ve been going through this, it has also been trippy to SEE and feel and understand firsthand just how accurate and spot on astrology is. But I am also so very thankful for the gift of understanding my challenges at a deeper level.
Let me see if I can break down the astrology bit and not make it overly complicated :) The energy that is being activated for is my 5th house of creativity and sexuality in Taurus (food, pleasure). In this house, I have Venus (feminine energy, body), Chiron (the wound, which for me was neglect) and Mars (masculine energy). With Chiron in the mix, it means that I am meant to heal these energies and then bring forth assistance to others who are struggling with the same dynamics. There is also some other energy at play but for those of you not into astrology, I’ll save you the additional information and reading. Suffice it to say, that the past few years have brought up a lot of opportunity to finally feel, heal and move past this wound. To put all of this into English, the way that this wounding has shown up for me in real time and in real life, is as follows:
*Not trusting or feeling safe of the masculine
*Not allowing myself to have needs or to allow myself to receive or to be supported
*Being abandoned by myself and others, especially men
*Only finding myself valuable if I was succeeding or making money
*Deep judgement and feelings of inadequacy around my body
*Codependency with substances and people
*Wounding around my sexual energy
*Hella scarcity wounds
*Restriction of my creativity
*My inherent sense of value and worth
*Not getting to play or be creative when I was a kid
One of the main catalysts for healing and integration has been ballroom dancing. This has been really new for me, since I didn’t have creative hobbies during childhood or really most of my life. I felt like I sucked at everything other than being the responsible, smart kid, who read a lot, and did well in school. For many years, I channeled most of my energy into achieving. About 5 years ago, a healer told me that I would really benefit from dancing. I put it off for a while because it didn't really seem like it was related but I love to dance so I eventually signed up for some lessons. Even though my first instructor was gay, I was pretty nervous about being so close to him physically. My whole life, I had felt like I wasn't safe around men. Much of this has been a mystery to me because I don't have any memory of being sexually assaulted. But every time we would dance, I felt this deep anxiety in my body. It was really tough for me to have my body pressed up against a man that intimately. During this period, I also got the opportunity to dance with other men at the parties or classes. And let me tell you, it was WAY worse. I would have anxiety over getting it "wrong", I felt fearful that in some way, the men would not honor or respect me. But I loved it, so I kept pushing forward.
The other challenge that dance brought up for me, is that most of my life I had been trying to do everything independent of a man. Kind of challenging since the men are typically the leaders in dancing. Being in my feminine, surrendering energy was not exactly my strong suit as a recovering control enthusiast. So, again this brought up another level of faith and surrender in my body. See, you can logically tell me that it’s safe and it’s just dancing. But every time I step onto the dance floor and decide to acquiesce to a man’s power and control, my body is fighting against decades of feeling deep down at a cellular level, that it is not safe to trust men. Because I didn’t feel completely safe, I held back my full energy. I was holding back just a little bit in hopes that I wouldn’t be hurt again. Of course, this theme was also playing out in my dating life. The story stored in my cells was – men are not safe, they cannot be trusted, they will take advantage of you, use you, they will ignore your needs, they will treat you like shit, they will leave and break your heart.
After a bit of a break, I was led to a different studio with a different instructor. In a lot of ways, it felt like I was starting over. It also seemed like the Universe was amping up my personal growth and healing. This instructor was not gay, but he is married so that continued to offer a small amount of reassurance in my mind and body. But at this point, I had advanced in my skills, so we are doing steps that put us into closer physical proximity with one another. I also decided I wanted to learn Bachata, which really pushes the sexual energy and physical closeness. Again, I found myself dancing, being triggered, healing and having so much damn fun that I couldn’t stop even when I really wanted to.
But Y'all, I'm not gonna lie. It has been hard, and I have had LOTS of emotional breakdowns. I have wanted to quit so many times during these months. The first major argument my ego tells me over and over again that I can’t afford it. (As part of this healing segment, I got to quit my corporate gig and my main source of income last year.) The other “proof” my ego gives me that I should quit - that it’s not something that I can do right, I’m not good enough, I’m being irresponsible, what am I accomplishing by spending all this time and money on this hobby, blahhh, blahhh, etc, etc. There are just so many shit stories my ego tends to have for me. Honestly, I still continue to be SHOCKED at how much our journey, wounding and healing can show up in a symbolic vehicle such as dancing. I really had no idea when I started this path, where it would lead me.
Although so much of this is hard for me to share, I was reminded today that my healing helps others when I share. I’m reminded that there are so many people out there struggling with the same things, thinking they are alone and that something is wrong with them. But I am here to tell you it is all worth it. It feels so good to progress and get good at something that you really struggled with. It is nice to feel safe around men. It is really nice to be more confident in my body and my sexuality. It is good to trust that God is providing financially for me, even when it feels like a stretch. And shit, it is just FUN!!!!!!!!!! My other point is to remind you that so often, healing doesn’t really make sense and it is for sure not a linear, logical path. I had zero clue when I followed spirit’s nudge a few years ago that dancing could be such a big deal in my life.
So, if you have been getting the nudge to do something, what the hell are you waiting for? This is definitely your BIG ASS sign. I promise, you are not getting any younger. Enjoy life, heal and experience some damn pleasure already.
Much love y’all. Robin