Words and writing for more have always had a magical quality to them. How they can be strewn together into different forms – poems, propaganda, love letters, hate mail. Depending on the intent, the energy and the writer they can become so much more than just letters printed on a page. When I had my first astrology reading a few years ago, I was amazed to see that stringing words together in a way that not only healed me but also helped others, was something that I was pretty natural at. That knowledge has helped me to share these words even when it feels scary and WAY vulnerable to do so.
Sometimes I’m not sure of my intention with words that want to be expressed. I only know I am hurting and processing through so much and the only thing I can do is to give life to them. I have to give them a voice so they stop taking up so much damn space in my heart.
For the last two years, I have been struggling, a lot. But shit, I guess if we want to get technical about it, it’s been a hot minute that I’ve been trying to overcome some deep ass wounds. A lot of time, I find myself feeling all alone. I feel frustrated and sad. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to do small talk because my brain is going a million miles a minute trying to strategize and “fix” all the things that are wrong. I feel like the universe is cock blocking me from not only the things I desire, but also just basic needs. I understand on a spiritual level that I am growing, healing and learning. Spirit keeps saying that all is well and that it’s not forever. But there is also this part of me that is hurting so much. I feel like I do so much and at the same time I feel like I’m not doing enough. I do what the universe tells me to. I try to be a good girl (a huge coping mechanism from childhood). But I still find myself struggling in so many ways. I guess I probably have a belief buried in my subconscious that looks like, “do what God tells you to, and you’ll get what you want”. I have no idea where that one came from.
The last few days, I can really feel the frustration and sadness wanting to be expressed. The actual feelings. You know those things that are just begging to be felt and expressed. I’ve probably pushed it down for a while, because I understood the spiritual side of it but I wasn’t allowing my human self to have the temper tantrum it wanted. I had a massage today and cried for most of it. I cried about being single for 7 years. I cried about the financial shit that I’ve been healing for 2 solid years now. I cried, and I cried…and it felt so good. The crying yes. But also, because my massage therapist (who is a man), just let me have my experience. He just saw me in my shit. He didn’t try to fix, he didn’t try to divert me into a happier state. He didn’t try to do anything else, other than just let me have the space to be exactly where I was. For someone who is learning to feel safe and seen by the masculine, it felt pretty damn amazing.
When I got home, I took a bath. And I cried some more. But then I had a come to Jesus with the Big Guy. I just let it rip and I told God how damn frustrated I was. How I keep praying and how I feel like no one is listening. How I feel like no one gives a shit and nothing is changing in the physical. How it feels like nothing I want is available to me. I feel like my needs aren’t important. I feel like I have to give and give to others, to the world at large and I’m fucking tired of waiting for my needs to be important.
I know, it’s a lot. If anyone tells you that this human stuff or being a healer and holding space for others is all rainbows and unicorns they are a big fat liar. The reason I’m pretty happy and open most of the time, is because I am able to emotionally go to the depths of shit that we have been taught to avoid in life. We have to go through the drama and the pain and the tears to really appreciate the good stuff. Like, I’m sure when I do have a relationship again, I’ll be glad I waited for so long. I’ll be glad I healed and grew and transformed. The wait will be worth every minute. Until then, I get to choose to trust that Mother and Father God are running the big show and I don’t need to stress so damn much.
ANNNNDDDD, I get to continue to have my feelings. I think for most of us, being
frustrated or angry with God can feel like a no no. Well, I’m here to tell you I’ve gone there (many times), I didn’t get struck by lightning, and it has actually made my relationship that much stronger. Relationships and feelings are not something that should be kept only for the “good” moments.
I would be remiss if I didn’t also share how fabulous the past decade of healing has been. By going to the depths of these wounds, I have found parts of me I didn’t know were there. I have come to appreciate and love myself. I am happier, lighter, more free and more trusting of myself, others and God than I have ever been. I know just how strong and beautiful and kind and amazing I am. And, I know I can and will overcome whatever life throws my way.
So, I really have no idea if this is going to land with anyone or help anyone on their journey. I certainly hope it does. But either way, it felt damned good to get it off my chest. Thank you for reading. Thank you for your presence. I may not know your unique brand of struggle, but I assure you, I am a healer who continues to show up and do the work. I am constantly striving to be a healthier version of myself. And, I am by no means perfect. I will continue to fall, I will continue to get back up again. And I will continue to put my big girl panties on when it’s time to hold space for you. Because I can relate to the pain you’re going through. I can meet you where you are.
Loves y'all! Robin