Last week I turned 40 and I had a breakdown of sorts. Leading up to the milestone day, I was super excited and had various activities planned throughout the week. However, as the Universe likes to do – my week looked a bit different than I had planned. A few days before D-day, I got back into town from a trip to NOLA with my bestie who also turned 40 this year. The day before I arrived back home, I was visited by my Aunt flow. For the ladies who don’t experience this and the men reading (who I assume don’t directly experience it either) – sometimes the monthly event can leave you feeling like you were hit by a Mack truck. I was exhausted, cranky, sad, lonely – yea, it was hot stuff. I was in general just having a giant pity party for myself – no one loves me, I’m single on my big day, I’m 40 with no relationship and no kids, no dog, whahhhh, whahhhhh, whahhhh.
In truth, it just brought to light a feeling I’ve had most of my life – I’m not enough, I’m not worthy, and my personal favorite: I’m nobody til somebody loves me. I spent 40 years of my life trying to find love through another person, thinking I would just be ok when I did. There are three small issues with this (well probably more but for our purposes, we’ll stick to three) – 1) we attract what we hold inside of ourselves and 2) we have the love of our creator inside of us and don’t need to go very far to experience it, 3) if I did find someone while I was holding that belief – they were also co-dependent AF. So even though I can be very loving and accepting of others, I was pretty brutal to myself on the inside, day in and day out. As energy works, I attracted men who mirrored how I treated myself. They were unaccepting of who I was, they were harsh with me, not very compassionate, they would leave, they would hurt me so deeply I never thought I would survive it. As an empath, always absorbing others stuff, it would become this viscous cycle – I attracted them because I wasn’t kind and compassionate to myself and then I would believe the projection of their own self-worth issues as my own. I felt like I was in a washing machine, getting twisted and turned, never quite knowing which way was up.
During the week of me hitting four decades, my feelings were trying to communicate a very key lesson to me. Deep down, I was still living from that old belief I thought I had eradicated. That I wouldn’t be ok or enough until I found my other half. And shit, that’s what so many of us believe. I mean, we are taught that from movies, TV, books, society. In our society, you would think me being single was a handicap. Over the last three years, I’ve done many things by myself and thoroughly enjoyed most of them. I would go to dinner by myself, request a table for one and at times I would actually hear, “I’m sorry” in response. I think it triggered me a bit in the beginning but now I walk in proud to be taking myself out. I’m awesome company and I’m not sorry I’m with me. As fate would have it, that’s exactly what I did on my big day. I got dressed up and I took myself out on a hot date. And perhaps this time I didn’t get any apologies because I didn’t feel apologetic even one tiny bit.
We have all bought this crap that the only way to find love is through a partner or as the Course in Miracles describes it, a “special” relationship. We tend to think that one and only one person in our lives can give us the love and attention we want and need. By allowing this way of thinking to continue, we will always want more, we will always enter into unhealthy, codependent relationships, where the mere thought of losing them can make us do things we never dreamt of doing. Now I have a choice, I can keep falling back into the same old lie that I’m not worthy of love or I can choose to live each day knowing that I am surrounded, filled and covered and smothered in the most beautiful love I’ve ever felt. I’m gonna choose to stand tall and walk proudly, knowing that every day I choose myself. I choose to love myself and REALLY be with me for the first time in like forever. I choose to put my needs ahead of others, I choose to ignore the haters and the judgers, knowing that they are simply projecting their own crap onto me. I’m hopeful that you can join me in this proverbial middle finger to the old paradigm. I’m hopeful you can begin to love and accept yourself as deeply and completely as our creator loves us.
Much love and light, Robin.