Wondering what to share with y’all about my Ayahuasca experience, if left to my brain, can leave me feeling like there is not enough time, words or expressions to even try to explain to you the beauty and challenge that mother Ayahuasca was for me. So, I am trusting spirit to transmute to you exactly what you need to feel and read from these words. When thinking about going into this experience, we need to have reverence, respect and gratitude for this gift of mother Ayahuasca. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But it is the most beautiful thing I have
ever experienced. This contrast is because I really got to feel, experience and embody the beauty that is also in the pain of this gift we call life.
First, people told me that Ayahuasca would not be what I expected. The reason for this is that she is an intuitive natural medicine that gives each one of us exactly what we need. Because we are wired to have a shadow aspect of ourselves, much of the time, we cannot see what is actually holding us back in life. And we should be grateful for this. In truth, if we saw all of our stuff at once, we wouldn’t be able to handle it. It would cause a system overload to our nervous system and psyche. Healing is set at the pace of the divine and not anything our human ego should try to impose on ourselves or anyone else. She gave me what I asked for and so much more.
During my three-day ceremony, I got to experience mother Ayahuasca twice. The first ceremony she was super gentle with me. Which is funny because my ego was being a butthead yelling, “really, is that all you got?!” While my scared inner little girl was like, “can you just please shut up, so she doesn’t turn this shit up even more!?” We all have these pieces and parts within our system, protective dynamics that try to keep us safe. The biggest theme that came up in this ceremony was that I am CONSTANTLY feeling like I’m not doing enough, doing it right or that something is wrong with me. I felt like I was weak because for most of the ceremony all I could do was lay back and be in a receptive mode and posture. I could feel the energy moving inside of me, so I knew something was happening, but my ego said I should be doing more. This ceremony was allowing me to shed the old ego construct of “not doing or being enough” in a gentle way. She wanted me to know that I am enough, even if all I’m doing is receiving. I kept talking to my little inner child, telling her how great she was doing. I kept telling her there is more than one ‘right’ way to do everything. So, mother Ayahuasca in her infinite wisdom, chose to come at my ego from the backside. She knew if she tried to come in, guns blazing, my shields would come up and I would go into defense mode. If she came in gently, I couldn’t really fight with her all that much.
Throughout the weekend, my mentor kept showing me physically how my energy was presenting itself. She went into a sort of rigid body stance, erect spine with her head jutted forward, jaw clenched and head leading the way. That didn’t make super-duper sense to me until now. So, let me go back for a moment to explain a bit. As a child there were main two components of me that were formed.
1) The super sensitive part of me who was an empath and felt EVERYTHING soooooo deeply. I also didn’t know what an empath was or how to deal with it, so for a number of years I shut it off. Expressing feelings my household was not something that was allowed. It’s almost like my dad wanted 6 little soldiers. Lol. He was a former Marine, and raised in a different time, so I think he thought controlling us was the best thing he could do for us. And control has to be all encompassing – mind, body, emotions and spirit. So, even though I was really prohibited at expressing things outwardly, other than anger, on the inside, all the emotions, and energy was flowing to me, through me and around me. I just didn’t have the ability to know that there was nothing wrong with how I was wired. For years, inside of me, every word, every thought, every gesture was being analyzed by me at every moment. My nervous system was on high alert, always on guard.
2) The super brain part of me. This part is funny to me because I used to really struggle in school. The noises, the other kids, the stimuli, all of it was so much that I could barely understand a lot of what was going on. I wanted my parents to help me with my homework but instead they would let my older sister “help” me, which wasn’t much help at all. She would just want to do it for me. It just confirmed internally my belief that I was just plain old stupid, and I couldn’t figure it out, even if someone was helping me one on one. I remember being tested for different learning disabilities, but they never found anything. In hindsight, I’m also really thankful that they never diagnosed me with ADD. Because I definitely exhibited strong symptoms of it.
Anyway, at some point I got much better at school and coping and started to do really well in school. This pleased my parents, especially my dad. My dad was there physically but not really emotionally since he was struggling with his own shit and had a drinking problem. But this wounded part of me thought, if I can just be good enough, smart enough, he’ll stop drinking and he’ll really be there with us. So, every time I achieved or did something “good” I was rewarded with a small glimpse of the love I wanted, but it was never enough. But what this did was to reinforce this belief and pattern – my feminine, intuitive, feeling side is not valued or allowed, and it is too much. To be safe, I have to stuff it down and ignore it. The only way you can get love and be seen is to achieve and do well, be as perfect and good as you can.
These parts of me had almost become separated energies within my system. Internally, I still felt all the things and had all the struggles, but to the world I presented this super capable, over-achiever vibe and never really let most people in.
The other large component that came through was my previous inability to ask for or receive help. See, in the stuff I explained above, I told myself, “If you have to ask for help, you’re not doing enough.” I was constantly setting myself up for failure and not even knowing I was doing so. I was like this task master, constantly whipping myself to do more, and be more. And I had to do it alone for it to count. I began to see that much of how we grow is actually facilitated by others. There is beauty and power in numbers. When we learn how to recognize our needs, use or voice to ask for them, and then allow ourselves to receive, we embody the truth of this experience. What better way to break this from my body, mind and spirt than to have me lay still for 6 hours or so and just be exactly where I was – a terrified little girl who wanted to be seen for who she really is, not what she is doing. I also had the opportunity in ceremony to use my voice and ask for what I wanted and needed to feel comfortable – both from spirit and also from my sisters in ceremony.
While I was integrating ceremony one, my mentor shared with me what would be beneficial to do for ceremony two. She suggested that I consciously ask Spirit to help me release my wound and to come home into myself. I was down for it, and oh so ready to release all this shit in my system. As number two kicked off, I quickly realized how different this second experience would be. As I moved through and felt the old wounds, it’s like I was on a roller coaster ride in the universal energy that was shifting me through different things I needed to see, heal and embody. The second ceremony brought a deeper level of understanding around my core wounding, around my parent’s struggles and the wounding that was passed down through our family line. There is a lot more to my own personal healing in these ceremonies, but I would like to keep those to myself. There are some key universal themes that came up that I would like to share with you below:
1) The body as being dirty or a burden. For all of my life I have felt some kinda way about my body. I have dishonored it, hated it, wanted it to be or feel different. I really had zero connection to it for many years. During ceremony I realized just how amazing our bodies are. Spirit showed me how sacred and beautiful these vessels are. Like, we couldn’t experience the absolute beauty of this life without these pieces of spiritual technology. We couldn’t heal and grow and learn without these vessels carrying our souls around. I also began to see very clearly why the collective has this dynamic with our bodies. Much of it is from the Piscean age where the body was made to be this lower, base human instinct that kept us from spirit. Perhaps during that time period, things were out of alignment and to correct, we went to the opposite spectrum for a bit. However, much of the spiritual work that we are doing as a collective during these times, is meant to bring us back to the beauty and sanctity of these vessels. Not idolizing, nor shaming, but back into greater balance.
2) I saw how much I was valuing myself based on external indicators of the matrix. Even though I had done a lot of work around it, there was still this really deep-seeded belief that I was only worthy if I made a certain amount of money, drove a certain car, and did a certain level in my business. During my ceremony, my mantra that kept me in alignment was “I am a child of God”. So, I knew that if anything wasn’t in alignment with this, it wasn’t real. For me, being a child of God means – I am loved and valuable no matter what I have or do or create. God loves me just as I am. There is no good or bad, there is only experience. I saw and released the deep attachment to needing to prove myself externally. That little piece of paper, or the number on the screen in my bank account has NOTHING to do with how special I am (or anyone else is). Our worth is infinite, never ending and beyond the ability to quantify with a number. Mother Ayahuasca said to me, “Silly girl, no number could ever quantify your worth, you are everything”. I’d say that about sums it up 😊 There is nothing wrong with wanting nice things or traveling or whatever, but the moment you lock yourself into the “more is better” crap, it’s a fucked-up space to be and there will never be enough to get you out of it.
3) In the spiritual community there is this belief that if we do good enough, we won’t have to come back to Earth. I didn’t really resonate with that but perhaps the way my victim was still showing up was in my ‘poor pitiful me’ mindset around healing. What spirit showed me is how much of a blessing and a choice this life is. At a soul level, we are honored and CHOOSE to come down to planet Earth. Because it is a choice. What also goes along with this is what an absolute honor it is to heal a certain aspect of wounding for the collective. It is not a burden, or a story meant to place us in victim mode. We are supported and guided and loved as we offer this healing back to the collective. As you heal, I heal. As I heal, you heal. Put down the martyr badge 😊
4) Finally, spirit showed me what an absolute beautiful tapestry is weaved with the specific people in our lives. This is something I understood on a broad, intellectual level. I have read Journey of Souls (which I would highly recommend if you are struggling with the people in your life) which helped me on so many levels. But there was this piece that I was still missing. On some level, the codependent or healer part of me thought that people needed to be fixed or slightly different for me to fully love them. Please remember, no one or anything needs to be fixed. Of course, there is always choice and if someone doesn’t feel good in your life, by all means, extricate yourself. But perhaps be a little curious first. Ask – why if this person in my life? What am I learning from them? You might be surprised if you stay in your heart and out of your ego.
As I said earlier, there is so much more, but I would like to keep those nuggets close to my heart. What I would tell you, is remembering what a gift this life is, can be a powerful way to move throughout your experience. Yes, life is challenging and a giant pain in the ass sometimes, but as much as you can come back to the beauty, it will change your life. Spirit is always there with you. Sometimes we don’t see, hear or feel the energy. We can get wrapped up in our human story. But take a moment and connect in any way that you can. Connect often. Get out into nature. Play, have fun. Remember this life is way shorter than we realize. And yes, we have the opportunity to come back but this unique expression of you is a once in a lifetime vibration. This Robin at this moment will never again exist. The same goes for you! So, embrace all of who you are. Embrace all of who you are becoming and have fun damnit!
Loves y’all. Robin