After being on my healing journey for a little while, I found myself using nothing but natural healing remedies. For about 6 years now, (almost completely), I have used essential oils, herbs and other natural methods to heal and improve my health. I haven’t used over the counter or prescription anything (other than numbing medication for a crown and anti-altitude sickness pills for my hike at Machu Picchu). But for some reason, plant medicines still held a bit of stigma for me. Perhaps it is because they are (mostly) illegal, or perhaps it’s more the fear I used to have over substances and their apparent hold on my family lineage. I come from a long line of addiction. Our lineage seems to suffer from addictions of various kinds – alcohol, marijuana, food, relationships, prescription pills, to name a few.
The first time the Universe was telling me to look into mushrooms for anxiety, I was not too keen on it. So, I made a sort of a deal with the Universe. I said, okay Universe, if this is really meant for me, you need to make it VERY obvious. A few months later, I found myself at a friend’s house and he straight up offered me some shrooms. I left there in a sort of awe that the universe had answered with such ease and apparent confirmation of my intuitive hit. So, here began my journey with mushrooms for healing that lasted about 3 years. I used them in both micro and macro dosing. I purged, I learned to be more in flow, I surrendered, I healed my anxiety, released trauma, and I found my joy again. All in all, a good day’s work.
Also, during this time, I had various intuitive hits around doing Ayahuasca for healing. For various reasons, it just never felt like the right time, the right container or the right integration process for me. I’m grateful that my mentor early on in my journey didn’t really believe in plant medicine for healing. He explained to me that without a healthy integration process, the ceremony wasn’t really worth the time and effort. Additionally, without a strong solid container and integration process, you could actually do more damage than good. So, I trusted that either the timing wasn’t right for me, or that it just wasn’t my medicine.
I will place a brief interjection into my own story here. I also tried Kambo and Rape during these years and did not always have such great experiences. I learned two very powerful lessons about substances that you put into your body (especially for healing). 1) Never do something because someone else thinks it will be good for you. You have to communicate with your higher self, your body, and source to determine if something is a fit for you and 2) The intention of the person administering the medicine has to be pure and of high integrity. If they have an intention for you that does not align with your own, the energy is still there in your field. You have to trust the person holding space for you. The energetics created in a healing environment are powerful and you can’t have someone else’s shit or agenda affecting your journey.
Ok, back to Ayahuasca 😊
Around the beginning of 2022, I started to have the Aya hit again. Again, in surrender mode, I told the Universe, if you want me to do it, you gotta bring me a space that meets the following criteria – a safe, supportive container, where I can do a ceremony by myself with someone holding space, it has to be in Florida so I can easily get there, and with someone that I feel comfortable with. In February, I ran into a friend who told me about…….guess what?!!! Yeppers, a lady in Florida just a few hours from me that held 1x1 ceremonies. Alright Universe, I guess we’re doing this thing.
To be honest, I was still probably fighting this whole thing a little bit. I mean, I HATE throwing up. Like, hate it. Just even the thought of the purge process had me feeling a bit queasy. I figured I was going to continue to stay open to the process, and scheduled a consult call with the practitioner. During the call, I was sharing with her the things I was working on and what I wanted support with. She shared the magic of the medicine and some intuitive hits she was getting about me. Even though my ego was still not on board, my heart knew the answer. I was just crying the whole time and already feeling the power of this magical medicine. I pulled some tarot cards for confirmation, probably just to steady my nerves, but I already knew I was a sacred yes during that brief but powerful call. She recommended that I do some energy work with her first to determine my readiness for the medicine and also to develop a relationship between her and myself. After this first call, During the 4 energy sessions I had with her, I could feel there were profound changes already occurring. I started to see a few of my patterns and the deeper thread that was woven beneath them.
1) The first dynamic was my lack of clarity in life. This seems to be something I have continually struggled with for most of my life at varying degrees. The amount of anxiety and indecision I would feel on a daily basis regarding making decisions was a real problem. It affected my ability to focus and take direction in my own life. During the sessions with her I very clearly began to see just how much other people’s energy was affecting me.
During childhood and young adulthood, as a coping strategy I learned to ignore my own energy and to hyper focus on everyone and everything else around me in hopes of quieting the chaotic world that seemed to have its control over me. For many years of my life, my psychic and energetic gifts were overpowering me because I had no way of knowing how to own and manage them. I didn’t know that I would hear other’s thoughts, feel their emotions and pain and then take them on as my own. It was an almost immediate response that left me without a nano second of awareness to see the separation of energy. In the week’s leading up to the ceremony, my facilitator has me doing homework around maintaining my energetic sovereignty and releasing old energy dynamics around personal power.
2) The other dynamic that is coming up for healing in this container is my deeply engrained mistrust of masculine energy and my inability to fully surrender in my feminine energy. I mistrusted my own sexuality, my ability to receive and surrender while also maintaining my own boundaries and power. One of my fears of the medicine is that I will have some blocked memory of sexual abuse that comes up in ceremony. There has been this unidentified wound over the years in therapy and such that I have never really uncovered. Perhaps I just wasn’t ready until now. I guess I’ll know after the ceremony……SURPRISE!!! Or not, who the fuck knows. LOL.
3) The final component of healing that is coming forward is the shitty relationship I have had with my body and food my entire life. As a kid I was the chubby sensitive one. Even though I was in a household of 8 other people, I felt immensely alone. One of my escapes and comforts was food and the added energetic protection it gave me. My sisters were all thinner and more beautiful than me and it seemed like they never let me forget it. Even as I got older and more physically active and started to take care of myself, I still felt internally like I was this huge ugly duckling. I was never really seeing my body or myself clearly. As a by-product of this wound, I have also struggled with eating and maintaining healthy habits regarding my relationship food and my body’s REAL needs. Just when I think I make headway, I seem to slide back in.
These three wounds have felt forever connected in my mind, body and soul and I just felt such frustration that I could never FULLY heal them. Perhaps I’m also afraid that even after the ceremony, I won’t be able to move past them. I know that is just my ego talking. The way that Aya has been explained to me, is that the medicine will come in and clear 75-80% of the energy and pattering. The remaining amount will be cleared in the integration process. I know I am only at this point because of all the spiritual work I have done the last 6 years. I still do not believe that Aya or any other plant medicine is a one and done kinda thing. I believe we have a responsibility to ourselves and our family lineage to actually do the deep work that our soul calls for. Aya or any other plant medicine is just a tool to do so.
As I’m writing this post, I am in the final stretch before the ceremony. I had my kickoff call yesterday and I am beginning the final preparation for the ceremony, which is a little more than a month from now. I am both excited and nervous. I am hopeful but also fearful that the grips of old karma and family patterns will not loosen their grip. But mostly, I am afraid of stepping into my power, my sexuality and femininity in a way I have never known. I have seen the vibration of what is coming and felt it in my body. This new version of me that is wanting to step forward will no longer hide. She will no longer allow other’s energy to rule her life and dictate who she will be. She feels amazing, and free and like a fucking fire ball ready to explode.
And with this energy, my internal little girl feels terrified. She is afraid of being over shadowed and left behind. She is afraid of the wounds being revealed that have long been blocked out to keep her safe. But I also know, this is something I must do. Not only for myself but also for the collective. I am here to remind you that as you heal, so do others. Your strength and perseverance give others the hope and courage to continue onward. Since I know this to be the truth, I will continue to share my journey with you as it unfolds. If you have questions, please feel free to contact me on Instagram or on my website. Thank you so much for sharing this part of my journey with me. Many blessings.
Shed Some Light on It