Up until about 36, my whole life had led me to be this one version of myself. I was overly critical of myself and others, I was ALL up in my head, I was afraid of love and life in general. Then my life as I knew it slowly started to crumble around me. Well, maybe it should be more aptly described as a bomb going off. I went through so many different iterations of my energy from day to day that I started to wonder if I even knew who I was anymore. During my mid-life crisis (aka dark knight of the soul or as traditional psychology calls it, a nervous breakdown), I found myself not really knowing who I was anymore. For almost 4 years, I found old beliefs, wounds and judgments coming up for healing in the most dramatic ways possible. It became really hard to interact with people. I found myself naturally in hibernation mode, trying to heal from the many wounds that were being laid wide open. But I also found God stripping away most of the things that made me comfortable or that I had once identified myself with. This meant that jobs, friends, living arrangements were in constant flux with many of these things changing multiple times.
As I’ve emerged as this much healthier, more loving and calmer version of myself, the packaging looks a bit different. Like, I’m still into all the things I was before but now I’m less attached to those things. I’m still into self-growth and expansion. But I’m also more open, and freer than I’ve ever been. I am also into things that some traditional sects consider to be “out there”. Yea, I talk about angels and my 3rd eye and meditation and yoni’s and tantra and all the stuff I am in love with right now. I wake up every day excited to help others and to find greater joy in my own life. These are the things that sing to my soul. It absolutely lights me up to do an oracle or tarot reading for someone or an energy session for healing. I also get my jollies off by talking astrology or the akashic records with my friends. But I was also faced with the ugly truth that sometimes people can’t support us in our growth. See, it can make people uncomfortable when we change. It can make them feel like they don’t know us anymore. These changes tend to bring up certain judgements people have about religion and God and what’s considered normal. At times, I notice the sideway glances people give me. The incredulous look, as if to ask, “has she lost her mind?”
I’m not gonna lie, sometimes stepping out of the box and into who you REALLY are is challenging. Part of me just wants to tell you to have a “fuck em” kind of attitude, to not give a shit about what the naysayers have to say. But the truth is, we are wired to care about what others think of us – especially those people we really care about. I know sometimes it can be scary AF to be yourself. It’s terrifying to become a new version of you, stripped naked of societal conditioning. I know we are all afraid of that one thing, that we swear once someone knew our secret, they would leave us or not accept us. And I will always be honest with you, this may be the case. You may come out of the proverbial closet to be the real you and it may be too much for some people. They may leave. But I promise you, the pain of not being who you were born to be is more painful. If you keep people near you by being someone other than your authentic self, you will forever resent them and yourself. You will slowly die inside each and every day.
One way to make this journey easier is to find that group of other weirdos that gets you. I have been blessed to have a few close, ride or die friends, and to be a part of various spiritual groups that have steadily lifted my soul. More recently, I’ve found myself in the most beautiful healing circle of women. The growth I have experienced in a few short months has been miraculous. I have healed trust and vulnerability wounds I didn’t know existed anymore. I have committed to making time for me every day. I have developed healthier boundaries and self-care techniques. Perhaps most importantly, I have another space where I can just be me – warts, scars, imperfections and all……and I am still loved, held and appreciated. Thank you sisters.
So, my friends, I hope that you all find your tribe. Your people, your connections that make your heart sing. I pray you uncover more of who you are every damn day. I pray you step into the REAL, authentic you. Remember – God does not make mistakes. You are perfect and whole and deserve to be loved in so many ways. I promise – your people are out there. The first step is to believe you deserve to be loved. Please let me serve as that reminder :) Much peace my friends. Robin