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San Antonio - January 2020

I don’t travel often for work these days, but when I do I like to stay a bit before or after the conference and explore a bit.  My most recent trip to San Antonio gave me an opportunity to see a city I probably wouldn’t have gone to on my own.  While I was there, I had a great time but I was also struggling a little bit.  During my trip, there were lots of fun co-workers, some of them even cute young men to flirt a bit with after hours.  However, I was just feeling a bit sad about being single.  I find it ironic in life that we can be lonely when we’re surrounded by tons of people.  This loneliness was odd for me because usually traveling allows me to meet new people, talk and break out of the normal humdrum of daily life. 

Loneliness is a sign we are missing a connection to ourselves.  This is a feeling I’ve had to explore ad nauseam the past four years while I’ve been single.  This trip just offered me some new insights.  When we are single, we think having a partner will make us happy.  And conversely, all my hitched friends think I’m living the life.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate many aspects of my single, childlessness at the moment.  I can come and go as I please, I don’t have to check in with anyone before I do anything or go anywhere.  But, I also don’t have someone to share my successes, fears, hopes and dreams with.  I mean, I have wonderful friends and family but there is something different a partner brings to the table.  There is something about being snuggled up with the man you love, sharing all your deep dark secrets.  Him supporting you and telling you how awesome sauce you are. 

So, it would come as no surprise that God reminded me of a key point in San Antonio…….relationships are never all good or the perfect picture we can paint when we’re craving it.  It’s like when we’re single, we forget all the challenges being in love can present.  We forget about past hurts, struggles and disappointments.  Whenever we are struggling with our own feelings of peace or happiness, we believe if we have that one “thing”, everything will be good and wonderful in our lives.  Unfortunately, once we’ve obtained that thing, our ego will just place its attention and focus on something new.  Our ego wants us to believe that happiness is somewhere out there, far, far away. 

During my single time, I’ve had to gain deeper and deeper levels of being with myself.  Beginning to love and appreciate who I am, what I have to offer and what I won’t put up with anymore.  In the past, I was so willing to let a man tell me if I was good enough.  I was willing to place my worth and acceptance on something as fleeting as a person I was in love with.  I’m coming to understand and integrate unshakable stability within myself and my relationship with God.  Previously I thought I handled my life and it’s direction.  But the Big Guy has been driving home the fact that he is in fact in charge.  It’s not that I don’t get a say in where I’m headed, but instead, I look at our relationship as a model for the kind of romantic relationship I know is coming my way.  This time around, I’m looking forward to an inter-dependent relationship with lots of respect, love, joy, passion and honestly.  When we’re single, cultivating that with God can create more joy and gratitude and set us up for the most wonderful relationship ever.  The kind where we are accepted and able to offer acceptance to the other in the most beautiful way – the way God intended.