Come as you are
So, there is something I want to share with you about myself that’s not very attractive. I guess if you know me well enough, this is no great surprise 😊 So, here’s my big reveal - in most situations, I am a know-it-all. I consider myself fairly intelligent and my mind is always processing and figuring things out on some level. As the old version of Robin, I thought that I had oh so many things figured out. As someone who can clearly see things, I could readily analyze and determine what others could do to “fix” their lives. I really couldn’t fathom why other people’s lives were a hot mess. Of course, the big assumption here is that my life was correct and on track. I guess on some level in the old paradigm, it was. In my life I had garnered a fair bit of success in my career and financial life so, to the outside world my life prolly looked pretty stable and on track. However, I now realize that much of my outward focus was a coping mechanism to avoid what needed to be resolved internally in my own life.
Let’s get down and dirty and talk about the shadow aspect first. In my life, this know-it-all attitude developed four main issues for me. (The nerd in me likes to number things)
1) I never had to look at my deeper issues because I was always so outwardly focused on my own goals and also what everyone else was doing. This is a trap that is easy to get caught in. We can ignore the deeper issues by distracting ourselves. One of the reasons I was so hard on other people is that I also extended this same rigidity and criticism to myself. The expectations I put upon myself from a very young age were completely unreasonable. I was raised in a very strict household that was firmly led by a Marine father who was gifted with six children (five of whom were girls). It seemed that the main belief that was instilled in me from so early on is that nothing I did was right. Everything, I mean EVERYTHING, was constantly picked apart and corrected by my dad. I think on some level we became his little troupe, feeling like we had to do something to be accepted. However, given the high standards, we never felt like anything we did was good enough.
2) By always focusing outwardly, I ignored my own internal pings. This manifested in my life on a very basic level - I didn’t believe in myself. I could doubt even the smallest of decisions, making myself crazy over minuscule details. This has been a challenge for me because I do have great intuition but many times I block myself from accepting my pings. I keep out the great things that are waiting to come in because I don’t believe in my own worth or my own ability.
3) I can’t learn anything if I think I already know it all. When we think we know everything, we miss out on beneficial opportunities, things that God or the Universe has brought to us for our highest good. We completely miss these gifts because we are too busy thinking we already know everything. Or worse, we judge it before we’ve even experienced it - I.E: I don’t like guys who drive Jeeps, or that movie with an actor I don’t care for, or purple velvet. God doesn’t want us to have everything figured out, he doesn’t expect it, so why do we? He just wants us to remain childlike and constantly observing and living life with wonder and joy. This life is meant to be fun and exciting, not the drab, dreary existence so many of us have made it.
4) This trait of always striving to be better has also been a double-edged sword in the arena of self-acceptance. I had the realization lately that self-acceptance and growth are kind of the antithesis of each other. Historically, I was so outwardly focused on my goals that I was forgetting to just take time to accept myself exactly the way that I am. However, in order to find peace, there is a delicate balance that has to be found between the two. For many of us, fully accepting ourselves as we are, while also acknowledging the areas in which we have room for improvement can be like walking on a balance beam in the middle of a hurricane.
I don’t want to completely knock this personality trait, because like all things it also has it positive attributes. It has also helped me to be a person who is constantly striving to be better. I love learning and incorporating new ways of doing things into my life. I am always analyzing and reviewing what needs to go and what I can allow into my sphere of reality. Also, I am typically the friend that people turn to for advice because I can be fairly objective.
As can happen, when we really do the work, these little puzzle pieces start to click into place for us…..like a giant ass Tetris game. These moments of deep soul awareness or knowing come over us in what seems to be a flash For the past few years, I have heard ad nauseum that God loves and accepts us exactly as we are. As such, we should extend this same acceptance towards ourselves and others. During a talk last Sunday night that a friend hosted, the speaker talked about how God loves us no matter what. In this moment, it’s like I REALLY heard it and took it into my very soul. I was so overcome by the love and acceptance that I felt from God, I couldn’t stop the sobbing that ensued. I couldn’t believe that the creator of everything loved me so deeply and completely. In an instant, I knew that acceptance of who I am, doesn’t stop me from becoming who I am meant to be. On the contrary it gives me the freedom to move towards those things knowing that I deserve them just because I AM. Because I AM a child of god, because I was created, because I was made in his image. I pray that you might feel this love and acceptance as I have, as we are all meant to.