Well, I had no idea when I committed to this upcoming Ayahuasca ceremony that the vibration and healing of the vine would come in way before the physical ingestion of the substance. Here I am, two weeks out from ceremony time, and I’m already feeling it. If I said I had it all figured out at this point, I would be lying. But one of the ways I process life and make sense of things is through writing. So, please allow me to share with you as I continue to uncover this journey. My intention with this post is to gain greater clarity around my journey and to perhaps assist you in your own healing.
Because categories make sense to me, here are my top areas of growth and healing that are coming up right now -
Safety and Support - About a year ago, I quit my corporate job to pursue my passions. As a single woman who had identified much of her identity and self-worth with her accomplishments in her career, this was very triggering on lots of fun levels. I found myself feeling unsafe, unsupported and in general, floating around like a fart in the wind. So, I did what I’ve tried to do my entire life – I tried to control what was happening or not happening. I tried working little piddly jobs that felt like prisons to me. I tried house sitting and a few other things, but it just boiled down to the realization that my mind, body and soul needed this year long break to reset my nervous system. As much as I wanted a break, I also felt super guilty about taking it. At times, I was so tired that I was starting to wonder if I would ever have the energy to get back to work. During this past year, I cashed out my stock market earnings, murdered my savings and obliterated my retirement accounts. As I stand here today, I am almost near the end of my liquid assets. I just keep thinking; oh, this will turn around in a bit and it will all make sense, and my business will pick up and/or I’ll get an aligned job offer that will save the day. It partially feels like manifesting and trust and the other part feels like complete and utter irresponsibility. So, I am finding myself in full trust and faith that the universe is taking care of my ass 😊Not an easy task for someone of my prior level of control enthusiast.
Mom healing – My entire life I’ve had a complex relationship with my mom. As a child I put her on a pedestal and thought that mostly everything was my dad’s fault in life. in some ways, it was easy to do this because my dad played the role of strict disciplinarian who left my mom, myself and my younger sister when I was 16 years old. My mom played the role of over giver who tried to do everything for her family. As I got older, I grew to see and understand that just like me, my parents had multi-faceted personalities that could not be boiled down to these limited understandings. My dad died in 2015, which in part triggered my spiritual journey. For the next few years, I peeled back my relationship him. Around 2017, I began to have some resentment and irritation towards my mom that I was able to work with. Our relationship was improving but still wasn’t what I envisioned a mother and daughter relationship to be. But all in all, I was happy that at least I wasn’t being a snot to her all the time anymore. That started to change a year or so ago.
During the last 10 years or so, my mom’s health has been deteriorating. She has diabetes and some other challenging stuff like congestive heart failure. She is only 73 years old but honestly this past year I started to really believe deep down that she would not make it to the end of 2021. There were many things that led me to this conclusion. The largest of them was when I did my first macro mushroom journey in July of 2021. During this session, spirit connected me with her soul. I felt such amounts of grief in that journey, that it felt like I was actually losing her like I would when she passed. I talked with her and made some peace.
But I also started to really SEE my mom for the first time in a lot of ways. I began to see her strength and her good heartedness. I began to really see that who she is, has helped me to be the woman I am today. For many years of my life, I just saw the flawed parts of her was worried about becoming those. I hyper focused on the shadow side and didn’t appreciate the strengths of who she is. In this journey, I felt this amazing appreciation for who she is, both as a woman and as a mother. But in real life, I was still moving through some deep ancestral patterns around our relationship. I’ve started to have some challenging but needed conversations with her about my childhood and our relationship.
Body and confidence – My body. Ohhhh, all the things this topic can bring up for me. I have never felt safe, sexy or secure in my body. I never wanted to be a girl. I never wanted to be seen or appreciated. I would have preferred to stay well and hidden. And I did for most of my life. I had zero self-confidence and didn’t value anything about me really, other than my ability to work. During my spiritual awakening, this too began to shift.
Growing up an empath, I never wanted to BE in my body because that really made me feel all the shit of the world. I had no way of handling the energy overload because I didn’t understand how to ground or to allow others stuff (feelings, thoughts, etc) to flow by me without it getting stuck in my own energetic field. And still worse, is that for many years, because I had no boundaries, I would take on many of these things from the collective and other people and identify it as my own crap. If I’m being honest, this is probably still happening on some level, but I’m getting better at noticing and separating from it.
It's hard to love or appreciate something you don’t trust. And I never trusted my body. I was a sickly kid who didn’t really physically do much. I lived in my head and in books for the majority of my childhood. Then into adulthood I was an over worker. I did start working out in my early twenties, but this was quickly smashed a little while into it. I learned something that would drastically affect my life for the next decade. At the ripe old age of 20-something I started to have debilitating pain and was informed I needed a hip replacement.
There were so many unknowns about why or how. The doctors think it was something that had formed at a very young age. And perhaps it was triggered from the many car accidents I was in as a teenager, breaking my tailbone in college or the physical activity I started to partake in. But never had my body betrayed me in such a ridiculous way. For about 9 years, I was in excruciating pain. You know, the years that are supposed to be the best of your life? Yea, those years for me were spent in life altering pain. Pain can make you pretty damn jaded about the world. I felt like I had entered some parallel reality where I was being punished for being alive. The reason it took so many years to have the surgery, is because even though dozens of doctors agreed I need the artificial hip, all of them also agreed that I had to wait until I was older. I felt betrayed and abandoned by our medical system. Why did all of these men get to tell me what I could and couldn’t do with my body? At 29, I finally found a doctor at the Mayo clinic in Jacksonville that agreed I shouldn’t be in pain, and I had the surgery. Over time, I started to regain trust and acceptance of my body through yoga and other healing. I started to appreciate my body in a new way.
Masculine energy and receiving – I think most of my life I’ve felt really uncomfortable with identifying my needs, asking for them and then allowing myself to receive any help from others. It was just easier to do things on my own. Part of it was the control component but there was so much more to it. Masculine energy is giving and feminine is receiving, and since I didn’t trust masculine energy, I just decided to never need anything. I just wanted to be easy and quiet and unseen and have the least desires possible so I wouldn’t inconvenience anyone. It just made me so damned uncomfortable to accept help from someone without feeling like I needed to do something back for them. I could give and give and achieve and achieve but I really found myself out of energetic alignment.
Through different ways and with various life experiences, I have started to accept help and move through this patterning. Dance has really been helping me with this (and so many other things). But, I just love how seemingly unrelated things in our life show us how our energy is operating. When I’m with my dance instructor, I feel myself surrender and relax into his lead but just when thing start to feel uncertain in my body, I pull back again. It’s the same with other masculine energy and also with God. I’m just not sure I trust the Big Guy to really be there when I need him. Even though I want that more than anything.
Sexuality – Not gonna lie, this one is a bit challenging to share. For as long as I can remember, I have felt uber awkward around my sexuality. For a long time, I avoided wearing anything too revealing or sexy or moving my body in certain ways that would attract attention. Maybe I had moments where it felt good to be appreciated by a man or masculine energy, but for the most part, a man’s sexual attention scared the ever-loving shit out of me. I especially never wanted a man to see my body as an object of desire. I could never really understand it. It felt like I had been abused or had some kind of sexual trauma. The only thing is that I couldn’t actually remember any trauma. So, I’m still unsure of where that one comes from. Which can make the healing of it that much more confusing.
My entire life I have been terrified of a man being close to me, it just felt soooo unsafe in my body. Like, I felt like at any moment he could do whatever he wanted (even if I didn’t want it). Sex wasn’t something that was talked about in my family. I’d say that both of my parents have wounding around sexuality in different way. We never got the birds and the bees convo, and pretty much were told sex was a bad thing. My dad was super strict and told my sisters and I that men only wanted one thing and we shouldn’t trust them. Let me tell ya, having the main man in your life tell you to not trust men and that they only wanted your body was really confusing to the ole brain. So, I avoided dating in high school and college even though I was really in love with love. When I met my ex, I was 20 years old and finally had sex for the first time. I always felt like something was missing there, like I never really trusted him or allowed myself to be vulnerable. Again, I felt the shadow of these sexual wounds but never really had anything to explain them. Just another way I thought I was inherently flawed and fucked up.
My relationship with food – I come from a family that loves to eat. When we get together, that’s usually what we do. I mean, my mom is Italian, so it kinda makes sense. But also, we seem to have some ancestral dependency patterns that pop up around substances and food, specifically. My whole life I’ve had disordered eating, even though I didn’t know that’s what it was. I didn’t know where it came from, I just knew all the shitty feelings I had from it. Thank God I never really developed a full-blown eating disorder but there was a moment in my early 20’s when I almost went down the anorexia path but something stopped me, so thanks Universe. But now, even after all my growth, I still find myself knowing the foods that my body doesn’t like, but still unable to be firm in not eating them consistently. I’ve gotten many confirmations from the universe that my body doesn’t like gluten or dairy. This should be easy enough to avoid them in 2022, right?? Ha! Not so much. I have this karmic pattern and loop I go on. I eat some shit that doesn’t agree to my body, I feel like crap and then I’m “good” for a bit. Then I forget and I have the offender again. Then the cycle starts over. There is more there around food, but honestly, I’m not sure I can even go into all of it right now.
Ok, phew! thanks for sticking in there! LOL. I know it’s a lot and I’m not really sure how all of these things are tied together but I know there is some thread. Based on what my Ayahuasca facilitator and my soul are telling, me I will know more as this process unfolds. And, as I continue to study and understand my own astrological chart, I’m seeing these wounds in my soul’s blueprint. It’s so helpful to see that I’m meant to heal these wounds this lifetime. It keeps me going and gives me hope.
As this thread unravels and I gain more insights I will continue to share with you. If you are currently moving through any of these wounds, I want to remind you to honor yourself. You don’t need to do Ayahuasca or any other plant medicine if you don’t want to. I didn’t want to for a long time either because I was scared as hell and I had judgments about “drugs”. When I got the download to work with any plant medicines, I took my time and asked Spirt to be patient with me as I stepped into them.
I would love to hear your experience with Ayahuasca or these types of wounds and how you moved through them in your own life. Submit a contact form on my website or reach out on the Grams (Instagram that is 😊) @ RobinWilt999.
Loves y’all, keep on shining on!
Much love, Robin