Oh, self-reflection, ain’t it a joy?!
As half Sicilian, half German, and 100% Wilt I was blessed with a healthy amount of unhealthy anger. For many of my younger years, when I was hurt by someone I loved and cared for, I would lose it. I would fly into a rage and not really have much control over it. There was literally zero space in between the trigger and the blow up. Typically, the biggest trigger for me is when someone would throw something in my face that they knew bothered me to my core. This could be a perceived personality flaw, something they knew I was struggling with, or something I had shared in confidence with them. In retaliation, I would be completely nasty to the other party, going for the jugular using words as my weapon of choice. It all felt justified in the moment, a method to make them hurt as much as they were hurting me. Then in the light of the morning or after I chilled out, I would feel horrible. I always knew on a deeper level, that some things can’t be taken back, even after a heartfelt apology. I hated this aspect of myself and how it made me feel. Each episode would leave me feeling horrible, mean, and like I would give anything to change it. Afterwards, I would mentally abuse myself for my inability to control my anger.
After my awakening, and subsequent spiritual journey progressed, I saw this improving. As I mediated and did yoga more and more, my mind and mouth were calmer, and I was able to find those little moments that were needed to stop my old habits. There was a direct correlation between healing the many hurts piled up in my heart and soul and my ability to not turn into a raging lunatic every time someone upset me. I found these little bits of space I had so desperately needed in my younger years. As this space crept in, it allowed me to think a little more before I spoke, texted or whatever method of verbal lashing I WOULD have preferred at the moment. Each time I was able to see more and more of the change I had so desperately longed for.
On my spiritual path I learned so much about not taking things personally. I learned many things about the concepts of projection and situations as mirrors. I took time to look at myself when I was bothered by someone else’s actions. I would analyze the situation from a much calmer, more loving place than I ever had in my existence. I learned that the crux of all issues could be found inside of us, not in the external situation which was presented for our learning. The funny thing is that honest to goodness, I just stopped being bothered by so much. In the olden days, I was annoyed by some pretty basic things. As an ungrounded, uncentered empath, I was typically on over stimulus mode and pretty much anyone walking, talking, or breathing “wrong” annoyed the shit shack out of me. But now I am healed, and I don’t get mad, anymore - ever.
BAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Oh wait, had to pick myself up off the floor…..
The past few weeks have been challenging for me, it has brought the ole trifecta of situations that have triggered me like nobody’s business. They (seemingly) in an instant, took me back to that place of uncontrolled anger again. My pain in the situation, prompted me to say things that were mean and hurtful. I was also able to see, when it seems that I am hurt intentionally by someone, or something, my stubborn side kicks into full gear. However, as with all of life, little baby steps were made in my progression. I noticed that this time I was able to stop myself before I really let my mouth loose, you know, like a three-dollar hooker in church on Sunday. And afterwards, I didn’t completely flagellate myself. I was able to remind myself that I am a human being, who is not perfect. I chalked it up to another learning experience and tried to see what I was meant to learn from these encounters. I shifted my direction to allow for a healthier situation without being consumed by the other party’s feelings. Yay – progress!
These situations were also able to show me some valuable lessons. Part of the problem is that, although most of my life these days is rainbows and unicorns, I am still a human being with both good and negative emotions. I found, that in my effort to be so Zen about everything, I was duplicating one of my old habits – not sharing some of my needs, wants and feelings with loved ones. Even though the reasoning may have been much different this time around, it still had the same result. Since I was constantly taking everything and trying to analyze and figure out what the bigger picture was, I didn’t acknowledge the simple fact that I’m still a human being with feelings. When a loved one bothered me by something they did, or didn’t do, or said – I was simply ignoring and suppressing it. I wasn’t sharing how I felt or what I needed in our relationship.
Relationships (healthy ones 😊) are all about our ability to be with each other as we shift and grow. This means that sometimes we will piss each other off, we will do things the other doesn’t like – and this is all ok. The key is, and always has been, communication. Communication allows us to understand where the other person is coming from. It allows us to know that maybe the reason they didn’t show up to our important cat sweater knitting party is because they were feeling really sad that day and NOT because they thought our party was going to be lame-o. As we communicate with our loved ones, it allows us to grow closer together, feeling safe saying how we feel. Saying how we feel does not include blame and finger-pointing, but instead allows for the possibility that no one is “right”, but that we may have different points of view.
So, if you’ve been waiting for a sign to have that important, seemingly difficult convo with a loved one, take this as your sign from the Big Guy. Put down your weapons and take out the olive branch. After all, “coincidences are God’s way of remaining anonymous.”
Love and light ya’ll, Robin.