I had this realization a few years back, that regardless of our practical relationship with our birth mothers, it is still the closest relationship we will ever have with another person. What I mean by this is she is the only person we will ever have our entire body inside of, she is the only person who provided sustenance, shelter and creation to our growing fetus. She is the only person who felt our heartbeat forming in our chest. She is the only person who knew that by bringing us into the world, her life would NEVER be the same.
But I also started to realize what a thankless job this can be. Children don't really care about their mother's needs or her emotional or spiritual struggles. In general , they are not wired to be concerned with her trauma, drama, addiction, mental illness or any other challenge of life. In some ways, for some time, one of their main functions is to need and take and to be put first, regardless of whether she has any energy to give. And as we get older, and we start to do our personal growth and heal our trauma, we start to notice many things that didn't go so well in our upbringing. And, because of this integral bond, or lack thereof, with our birth mother, she can take on a lot of blame for the things we are dealing with.
My own relationship with my mother is complex and filled with a variety of conflicting emotions. When I was younger, my mom was my favorite parent in a lot of ways. Even though I have heard from my older siblings, that as the youngest child for many years, I was coddled and spoiled by both parents, I always felt this special place in my heart for my mom. Until I started to notice all the human things about her. At some point, I really started to be annoyed and embarassed by so many of her personality quirks. When I started my path of healing and therapy 20 years ago, I did a lot of work around my mom. I felt like I had gotten to a good place with her. I could enjoy being with her, without snapping at her and being annoyed by her idiosyncrasies. I could really appreaciate her as a mom and all the things she did (and didn't do for me).
And now that my mom is 74 years old, and I am 44 years old, I find myself again faced with a new level of healing. My mom is still pretty young but her health isn't all that great. A lifetime of bad eating habits and not really any self-care to speak of has provided her with a variety of health challenges. She is also a Pisces and prone to being in the clouds and "out there" with some of the ways she percieves or responds to things in life. I have tried to help with her care when I can, but my little sister has taken on the majority of it, and honestly I'm so grateful she has. I really don't know if I would be able to. Sometimes, when I take her to doctors appointments or out to lunch, it's all I can do to keep my shit together for a few hours. Some days are obviously better, but some days, the triggers are just too much. In addition to my own shit I'm working through with my mom, I stronlgy dislike the traditional medical system due to some past experiences I had.
Lately I have been feeling this deep anger, sadness and frustration towards my mom. At times, I'm not sure what to do with it or how to release it once and for all. The tools that I have seem to just be a bandaid in many ways. Then, becuase my mom is so sweet and loving, I feel like an asshole for feeling that way. It's a vicious cycle of internal self-flagellation after I spend time with her.
I want so deeply for her to stay on this Earth plane and to be healthy, while also wondering how much more of this I can bear. Saying or thinking that I'm tired of my mom being alive is by far one of the worst things I have ever thought. And obviously, it's not that I don't want her here but sometimes I feel like all of our lives are on hold until she passes. For me, I have been wanting to move from Florida for a few years now. There has been fear, and guilt that have held me back. Fear of not being near my family and also immense guilt of leaving them, especially my mom.
What I'm realizing and remembering, is that this kind of growth is part of the process. It doens't make us bad people to feel sad, frustrated or annoyed by our loved ones and their circumstances. It doesn't mean we love them any less or that we wish them ill. It is just a reminder that we are human and also dealing with human issues.
Side note: I did end up doing some forgiveness and release work with my mom's soul that really helped me in so many ways. Acknowledging these feelings and allowing ourselves to work through them by being heard and expressing them in a safe container can be so healing for not only us, but also our mom's and the collective. I know that my mom's soul and our lineage is getting benefits from the emotional work that I'm doing. And I sure as hell know that I feel better afterwards too :)
Loves y'all,
Robin
your Spiritual CFO