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Words and writing for more have always had a magical quality to them. How they can be strewn together into different forms – poems, propaganda, love letters, hate mail. Depending on the intent, the energy and the writer they can become so much more than just letters printed on a page. When I had my first astrology reading a few years ago, I was amazed to see that stringing words together in a way that not only healed me but also helped others, was something that I was pretty natural at. That knowledge has helped me to share these words even when it feels scary and WAY vulnerable to do so. Sometimes I’m not sure of my intention with words that want to be expressed. I only know I am hurting and processing through so much and the only thing I can do is to give life to them. I have to give them a voice so they stop taking up so much damn space in my heart. For the last two years, I have been struggling, a lot. But shit, I guess if we want to get technical about it, it’s been a hot minute that I’ve been trying to overcome some deep ass wounds. A lot of time, I find myself feeling all alone. I feel frustrated and sad. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to do small talk because my brain is going a million miles a minute trying to strategize and “fix” all the things that are wrong. I feel like the universe is cock blocking me from not only the things I desire, but also just basic needs. I understand on a spiritual level that I am growing, healing and learning. Spirit keeps saying that all is well and that it’s not forever. But there is also this part of me that is hurting so much. I feel like I do so much and at the same time I feel like I’m not doing enough. I do what the universe tells me to. I try to be a good girl (a huge coping mechanism from childhood). But I still find myself struggling in so many ways. I guess I probably have a belief buried in my subconscious that looks like, “do what God tells you to, and you’ll get what you want”. I have no idea where that one came from. The last few days, I can really feel the frustration and sadness wanting to be expressed. The actual feelings. You know those things that are just begging to be felt and expressed. I’ve probably pushed it down for a while, because I understood the spiritual side of it but I wasn’t allowing my human self to have the temper tantrum it wanted. I had a massage today and cried for most of it. I cried about being single for 7 years. I cried about the financial shit that I’ve been healing for 2 solid years now. I cried, and I cried…and it felt so good. The crying yes. But also, because my massage therapist (who is a man), just let me have my experience. He just saw me in my shit. He didn’t try to fix, he didn’t try to divert me into a happier state. He didn’t try to do anything else, other than just let me have the space to be exactly where I was. For someone who is learning to feel safe and seen by the masculine, it felt pretty damn amazing. When I got home, I took a bath. And I cried some more. But then I had a come to Jesus with the Big Guy. I just let it rip and I told God how damn frustrated I was. How I keep praying and how I feel like no one is listening. How I feel like no one gives a shit and nothing is changing in the physical. How it feels like nothing I want is available to me. I feel like my needs aren’t important. I feel like I have to give and give to others, to the world at large and I’m fucking tired of waiting for my needs to be important. I know, it’s a lot. If anyone tells you that this human stuff or being a healer and holding space for others is all rainbows and unicorns they are a big fat liar. The reason I’m pretty happy and open most of the time, is because I am able to emotionally go to the depths of shit that we have been taught to avoid in life. We have to go through the drama and the pain and the tears to really appreciate the good stuff. Like, I’m sure when I do have a relationship again, I’ll be glad I waited for so long. I’ll be glad I healed and grew and transformed. The wait will be worth every minute. Until then, I get to choose to trust that Mother and Father God are running the big show and I don’t need to stress so damn much. ANNNNDDDD, I get to continue to have my feelings. I think for most of us, being frustrated or angry with God can feel like a no no. Well, I’m here to tell you I’ve gone there (many times), I didn’t get struck by lightning, and it has actually made my relationship that much stronger. Relationships and feelings are not something that should be kept only for the “good” moments. I would be remiss if I didn’t also share how fabulous the past decade of healing has been. By going to the depths of these wounds, I have found parts of me I didn’t know were there. I have come to appreciate and love myself. I am happier, lighter, more free and more trusting of myself, others and God than I have ever been. I know just how strong and beautiful and kind and amazing I am. And, I know I can and will overcome whatever life throws my way. So, I really have no idea if this is going to land with anyone or help anyone on their journey. I certainly hope it does. But either way, it felt damned good to get it off my chest. Thank you for reading. Thank you for your presence. I may not know your unique brand of struggle, but I assure you, I am a healer who continues to show up and do the work. I am constantly striving to be a healthier version of myself. And, I am by no means perfect. I will continue to fall, I will continue to get back up again. And I will continue to put my big girl panties on when it’s time to hold space for you. Because I can relate to the pain you’re going through. I can meet you where you are. Loves y'all! Robin

Hello, my name is Robin and I’m a racist, profiling, judgmental, puter of people in boxes. As a white woman who was born and raised in the south, I have encountered my fair share of racism. I’ve given and received it in equal measures. I’ve had African American people judge me and call me cracker. On more than one occasion, I’ve used the N word to describe a person of color. I’ve had terrifying experiences where I was sexually or physically harassed by a person of color, and then used that to profile someone else based on that past experience. (You know, because the actions of five different people are indicative of the other one million). But sadly, my prejudices don’t stop there; I’ve also judged many other people due to their outside appearances. After 9-11, I heard and probably participated in racial slurring of Middle Eastern people. I’ve made fun of mentally handicaped people. I’ve assumed someone who is overweight is lazy. I’ve believed if you’re from New York, you’re a loud-mouthed jerk, if you are from Miami, you’re a drug dealer. I’ve assumed _____ because I saw the color of your skin, heard your accent, or heard you were from some far away land. These are all sad but true realities. But I think acknowledging these truths is the only real way to change. The recent events of the death of George Flyod have brought to surface a deep wound that has been permeating our psyche for some time. Forced segregation was stopped some time ago but on many levels, we continue to impose it upon ourselves. We may refuse to date, love, interact, or accept people of different colors, nationalities, political views, religious beliefs, genders, and sexual preferences. In an instant, we profile and sort a person based on some randomly assigned physical attribute they were assigned in the genetic lottery. We sort into categories of good, bad, worthy or unworthy of our time, attention and respect. By doing this, we completely miss the opportunity to know someone on a deeper level. As human beings, when we see the ugly side of our nature, we want to persecute and condemn those who have been outwardly vocal or visible with their hatred. In this weird way, I think it allows the rest of us to go about our judgement in this safe, closed off environment. We don’t have to own up to our own prejudices because we can point the finger at the “bad guy”. It allows us to ignore the fact that every single one of us has judged someone based on some factor that is really out of their control. Or, we have the complete opposite side of the coin, those who are virtually blind to the inherent racism of our country. It is a part of their belief system, culture, their heritage and their everyday life to belief that certain groups of people are lazy, stupid, ignorant or just all around no good. How did we get here? A country that is supposed to be a melting pot of cultures and races. Accepting of everyone, regardless of skin color or nationality. One little four-letter word is driving the bus - Fear. Fear is always at the helm of our deepest, darkest wounds. It makes us think we need to put others down. It makes us feel like we need to condemn an entire race because of the actions of a few. So, how do we, as a nation begin to heal this deep wound of mistrust and hatred between the races? I am a firm believer that any lasting, real change has to start internally with me. I have to start asking myself some hard-hitting questions. What is it about my internal landscape that causes me to put someone in a box because of the color of their skin? Why would I not consider seriously dating people of certain ethnicities? Preference or something much deeper and insidious? Why do I believe this about this group of people? Is it true? Is this harmful or helpful? For us to shift this, change has to happen every single day. In the way I treat others, in the way I talk about them (in front of and behind their backs). I have to start being accountable for my words, actions and judgments. If I make a mistake (and God knows I will), I have to fess up to it. I need to pray about it. When able to, I need to reach out to the person I harmed and apologize. If I was talking to a friend about someone, I could have another conversation with my loved one and explain to them how I’m trying to change and how I am rethinking my judgments. Change of this magnitude is going to require patience, love, compassion and acceptance for one another – even, especially, in our imperfections. We have ALL said or done something in our past we are not proud of. We have all judged others because of the color of their skin, their country of origin or their physical appearance. But we have ALL loved, we have been loved and this same love can be extended to groups of people we currently think is impossible. Be open to having a real conversation with someone you normally wouldn’t talk to. Be open to seeing someone in a different light. See the similarities instead of the differences. See the pure soul that each and every one of us possesses, the inter-connectedness we all share. See only love. To those of color (or any other category I have profiled) who might be reading this, I sincerely apologize. I apologize for my current and past ignorance. I apologize for my inherent white privilege. I apologize for assuming you were anything less than the perfection that you are. I apologize for seeing you as anything other than a child of God, my equal, my counterpart. I send you much love and light during this difficult time. I send you love and light for your daily struggle to be seen as equal. I love you and am here as a beacon of light. Let's anchor in what we want - love, acceptance, peace, equality and understanding. I love ya'll :)

I don’t travel often for work these days, but when I do I like to stay a bit before or after the conference and explore a bit. My most recent trip to San Antonio gave me an opportunity to see a city I probably wouldn’t have gone to on my own. While I was there, I had a great time but I was also struggling a little bit. During my trip, there were lots of fun co-workers, some of them even cute young men to flirt a bit with after hours. However, I was just feeling a bit sad about being single. I find it ironic in life that we can be lonely when we’re surrounded by tons of people. This loneliness was odd for me because usually traveling allows me to meet new people, talk and break out of the normal humdrum of daily life. ​ Loneliness is a sign we are missing a connection to ourselves. This is a feeling I’ve had to explore ad nauseam the past four years while I’ve been single. This trip just offered me some new insights. When we are single, we think having a partner will make us happy. And conversely, all my hitched friends think I’m living the life. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate many aspects of my single, childlessness at the moment. I can come and go as I please, I don’t have to check in with anyone before I do anything or go anywhere. But, I also don’t have someone to share my successes, fears, hopes and dreams with. I mean, I have wonderful friends and family but there is something different a partner brings to the table. There is something about being snuggled up with the man you love, sharing all your deep dark secrets. Him supporting you and telling you how awesome sauce you are. ​ So, it would come as no surprise that God reminded me of a key point in San Antonio…….relationships are never all good or the perfect picture we can paint when we’re craving it. It’s like when we’re single, we forget all the challenges being in love can present. We forget about past hurts, struggles and disappointments. Whenever we are struggling with our own feelings of peace or happiness, we believe if we have that one “thing”, everything will be good and wonderful in our lives. Unfortunately, once we’ve obtained that thing, our ego will just place its attention and focus on something new. Our ego wants us to believe that happiness is somewhere out there, far, far away. ​ During my single time, I’ve had to gain deeper and deeper levels of being with myself. Beginning to love and appreciate who I am, what I have to offer and what I won’t put up with anymore. In the past, I was so willing to let a man tell me if I was good enough. I was willing to place my worth and acceptance on something as fleeting as a person I was in love with. I’m coming to understand and integrate unshakable stability within myself and my relationship with God. Previously I thought I handled my life and its direction. But the Big Guy has been driving home the fact that he is in fact in charge. It’s not that I don’t get a say in where I’m headed, but instead, I look at our relationship as a model for the kind of romantic relationship I know is coming my way. This time around, I’m looking forward to an inter-dependent relationship with lots of respect, love, joy, passion and honestly. When we’re single, cultivating that with God can create more joy and gratitude and set us up for the most wonderful relationship ever. The kind where we are accepted and able to offer acceptance to the other in the most beautiful way – the way God intended. Love y'all!

Sometimes I wonder if travel is the same for everyone else as it is for me. When I explore new places, I open up new parts of myself. I have these moments of quiet which allow my soul to speak more clearly to me. Another phenomenon of travel is that I am blessed with divine encounters, where I see God putting people in my path with a message I’m meant to hear in that exact moment. My little sojourn to the mountains a few weeks ago was no different. I feel led to share a few things I learned from this trip. They are perhaps not completely connected in any other way, except they are all things I’m currently working on. As always, take what you want, and leave what doesn’t serve you. ​ During my trip one afternoon, I was driving out in the middle of nowhere in Northern Georgia and made a random stop at a historic site. I quickly realized that although intriguing, I really didn’t want to pay for the tour. I used their bathroom and walked around the gift shop for a few minutes before heading back to my car. On the way out, I passed by a rather eccentric woman named Sandy who was probably in her mid-60s. We said hello and somehow in that brief moment, we connected on some deeper level. Part of me was ready to leave but my still small voice told me to hold my horses. I won’t bore you with our entire conversation because honestly, I’m not even sure I could remember all of it. I’m not sure how I got on any of these subjects with a complete stranger, but it was one of those convos where you just go with it. 1. I shared with her how I’ve struggled with self-confidence my whole life. Again, not sure how we ended up on this topic –perhaps because even though she wasn’t a traditionally attractive woman, you could tell she was very secure in herself. She shared with me a technique I knew well. I’ve actually been using it to overcome my fears but never even thought to translate it to developing confidence. It’s really is annoyingly simple. I was honestly a bit irritated that it was right in front of my face and I didn’t see it, but whateves, sometimes we need people to share things with us. So, she said back in her day when she also struggled with her confidence, she just called up God to give her strength. In any moment, you just call upon your higher power – Source, God, the Universe and derive your confidence from it/him/her. You acknowledge that you don’t have to go it alone. You acknowledge that sometimes we don’t have the tools or traits yet that we want to embody in the future. In any moment, you use the strength that is available to us all. 2. When she was raising her daughters, she taught them to divvy any money they obtained into various categories. She said God has always been important to her and she wanted to instill the act of tithing upon them at a young age, so the first 10% was set aside for some kind of charitable contributions. The other area that was of value to her was savings, so another 10% was designated towards that. In that moment, I realized that although I have wanted and intended to do both of those things, I’ve been putting them off for “one day.” See, turns out, building a house and living and breathing and enjoying myself can create quite the expenses and each month I was talking myself out of doing those things. The conversation with her was enough of a bee in my bonnet to impress upon me the need to do these two things ASAP. Even if I feel like I can’t or I think I can use the money to pay off my credit card, or buy a cute shirt, or new toe nail clippers or whatever, from now on I’m allocating those things right off the top. Which also triggered my other lesson I’m learning – faith that the Universe will always provide my financial needs. ​ The other pearl I took away from this trip was from a dear friend who invited me to crash at her cabin in Hiawassee. During one of our many convos during my stay with her, she pointed out something I’ve known about myself but maybe not to the extent that I was able to see in that moment – I am hyper aware and super hard on myself. Not sure if this is because I was raised by a Virgo, Marine father or because of my rising Capricorn, but whatever the reason I hold myself to these impossible standards. I am a task master, pushing myself to new limits, always striving to be a better version on myself, doing the work, analyzing my “faults” and ways to improve them, seeing how I project my shit onto other people, looking at my beliefs, forgiving others……Get the picture? LOL, it’s kinda constant in my head. It’s not really a conscious pattern but something that has always been my truth. And honestly in a way I’m not only ok with it, but always very thankful for my desire to grow. However, I am reminded that I need to just allow myself to BE sometimes. To BE f**ked up and imperfect, to BE me, to have fun, to run and play and be a goober and to make mistakes and not feel the need to correct or fix every damn moment of the day. ​ During this lovely time in the mountains, I was again reminded why having people in our lives we can trust and lean on is so key. In our lives, we get so stuck in the stories of our lives that sometimes we need an outside person to see our situation from an objective point of view. Many times, strangers have insights about us because they are not trapped in the emotions and feelings that we get caught up in. They can see all the patterns and beliefs that are pushing us into repeating things we would rather leave far behind us. This is what I am blessed to do as a life coach, offer support and guidance, a loving open ear, a swift kick in the ass when needed (loving of course), my presence, my love and empathy, my humor, my words of encouragement and confidence that you’ve totally got this. And, perhaps the thing that brings me the most joy – sharing my own story if it in any way helps someone going through the same struggle. I figure if one person benefits from all the pain I put myself through, I’m ok with the shit show I went through for a bit. ​ Love ya’ll bunches. I’m here holding space and love for you whenever you’re ready 😊

When I first decided to go to Life Coaching School, I was overwhelmed at my options. Not even knowing life coaching was a THING a few years ago, all of the sudden I realized it was a very big industry. When I found the certification program I ultimately chose, I was excited to see that school entailed an in-person week of learning in Hawaii. Well – sign me up!!!! I mean, I won’t argue with God if he wants me to go back to HI. When I originally planned the trip, I decided to arrive a few days early and sightsee. Unlike the old Robin, my motto for traveling these days is kindof a wing and a prayer model. So, true to my new form, a few weeks before I left, I randomly picked my locale for the few days of sightseeing before the training began. I would come to see that my choice would not disappoint. Arriving in the small town of Pahoa, I had no idea that this is where the devastation from last year’s volcano eruption had occurred. I picked well indeed. Now, before you accuse me of living under a rock for not knowing this is where the volcano had spewed its hotness all over poor Hawaii, in my defense I have chosen the past few years to ignore media for the most part. I did know there was a volcano and I did know it was on the big island…I’m not a complete hermit. In fact, my whole life I have been abnormally intrigued by volcanos and lava, so I was pretty stoked to see this area first hand. If you’ve ever had the honor of visiting Hawaii, I’m sure you can share in my assessment that it looks not only like a different country but also a different planet altogether. For millions of years, these lush islands have been created by lava flow. It seems to be a place where we can see the hand of nature and God tearing down the old and ushering in the new beautiful landscape. Perhaps during this trip, I began to understand for the first time in my life this affinity I’ve had for Hawaii and all things lava flow. I knew at this moment; this seemingly unexplainable destruction is all part of the divine plan of the Universe. As things grow and change, sometimes the old must be removed for the new to come in. As humans, we see this as pointless and often question why these shifts have to occur. We enjoy the flowers and the abundance created after the removal, but we forget that the removal is just as important a part in the process. The past three years of my life this has been the case. So much of my life taken from me, so many people, places and things that left my life, making me feel as if I was an island all my own. During this time period, I didn’t have enough foresight to see what was really occurring. This is why surrender is so key in our journeys. After the fact, I was able to look back so clearly to what had occurred in my life - God was making space for all the things that were yet to come. The landscape of my soul was being tilled to remove all the old shit from the preceding years of my existence. What looked like nothing but loss and devastation was actually the groundwork for so much beauty and freedom that was yet to come. In fact, when I began to let go without my need to logically understand controlling my every decision, it became so much easier. I had become one of God’s islands, shaped and molded by the lava flow we call life. I was rebuilt with more compassion, love and joy than I’ve ever known. I began to find great gratitude and thanks for the things that were removed from my life, knowing that what is meant for me will find me easily and effortlessly. ​ Maholo ya'll!

As with much of my life these days, I don’t plan many things that I used to. So, when I happened to feel the need to give up drinking right before I made my way to Nashville, I didn’t really think much of it. In the time leading up to my trip, I had discovered that my already light-weight drinking abilities had become even punier. I had literally gotten to the point that even half a glass of wine could make me feel like crap the following day. Not knowing if it was simply the quality of the wine or my increased sensitivity, I thought “it’ll be easy enough to just eliminate it all together.” HA! At the time of my weekend trip and following work conference in Nashville, I had been alcohol free for a few days. Back home my choice was a bit challenging, but overall no biggee and I was feeling pretty good about my commitment. But then - enter the land of debauchery. I know it’s said that Las Vegas and perhaps some other cities are known for their free balling ways, but I would beg to differ. Two days into my trip, I developed a theory as to why people go buck wild in Nashville – the proliferation of good, live music. Since on my spiritual journey, I have witnessed and felt the divine connection between music, words and our energy. Music is something that can bring us to the heights of joy or to the depths of despair. In short, music can make people lose their shit. Hearing a song can literally change our mood in the matter of seconds, by reminding us of things we would long love to forget - unrequited love, a deceased loved one, or any other circumstance known to man. Words, chords and energy can drop us into an entirely new reality for the span of 3-5 minutes. In these moments, we are completely entrenched in feeling. For me, music is the thing that gives meaning to life many times. It has always been one of the things that allows me to get out of my head and into my heart, to switch from thinking to feeling. And if there’s one thing we’ve gotten good at in our society is ignoring our feelings. Isn’t it nice of little booze to help us all out?! The first few days of my trip I was by myself, and as I like to do anyway, I began observing people while I was out and about. From early in the morning (ok, maybe not the morning) til late at night, I saw many a drunk person letting lose, screaming and yelling, dancing and gyrating, hugging and loving up on people, being belligerent and belittling -pretty much doing and saying things I can almost guarantee they would not be doing sober. People acting a fool and probably feeling justified in doing so because they could blame it on the alcohol. My sober observations led me to a few findings: 1. It is really quite challenging to stop drinking even if you don’t have a serious problem. I consider myself to be someone who can stick with a decision and their choices fairly well, but I found myself wanting to numb out like everyone else and have a drink. I ran through all the reasons in my head why it wouldn’t hurt anything to have just one little drink. I mean, I’m not doing anything wrong and red wine is good for me, right? 2. Alcohol and other mind-altering substances allow us to be in spaces that we find difficult while we are sober. These substances help us to let our guard down, to be free and fun, to get up and dance, to live a little. I mean, it ain’t called liquid courage for nothing. Think of the times we used substances (liquid or otherwise) to escape from our reality. I know I’ve been guilty of it plenty of times in my life. The combo of emotion and lowering inhibitions can create quite a dangerous mixture. We can convince ourselves that some innocent glass of wine was to blame for our stupidity. Now that I’m not drinking booze, I’d like to act like a jackass and then blame it on the water I drank. 3. It is socially acceptable to be a complete jerk or mess while you’re inebriated. In fact, many times, it’s encouraged by our compadres. Have you ever witnessed someone trying to not drink and their friends peer-pressuring them to do so? It’s like some part of us knows we’re about to act a fool and we want all other involved parties to be in the same state. We forgive many actions stating, “oh, she/he was drunk they didn’t really mean it” (whatever IT was). It’s a state that provides some sort of safety net for lots of emotions and actions. The other super fun part of my trip is the giant toothache I brought with me. See, I love to eat. In fact, one of my deciding factors of whether I love a vacation, or a trip is the food. From my last brief trip here, I remember that Nashville has good Southern food. However, the nerve pain left me feeling like I had Tourette’s every time I took a bite of food. The stream of obscenities that uttered my lips every time I tried to eat, left me avoiding the situation. My normal love of food turned into eating out of necessity’s sake (it also seems that I like to be alive and have energy). Struggling to eat my breakfast of banana and yogurt parfait, I had the realization God is really trying to make me pay attention to how I feel and where I feel it. For, it’s our other societal norm – having a bad day? Stuff yo face with a cheeseburger and fries and top it off with a beer, that’ll make EVERYTHING better! No matter what our method: eating, drinking, shopping, religion, mediation, yoga if used as an avoidance, we are still numbing out. We all do it! This shit is not new. Denial is a powerful thing. As long as we can lie to ourselves and ignore something, we don’t have to face the repercussions of the truth. Personally, the other way I can numb or zone out from life is by being in my head or meditating. Both of these seemingly innocuous places allow me to stay out of my body, which is where we feel our emotions. This trip reminded me on so many levels that I still continue to check out via different methods. It made me question why I was doing so, what thoughts and feelings I was avoiding. I remembered that when I take a moment to be fully centered on myself and my body, allowing my thoughts, feelings and emotions to come, I can quickly see exactly what I’m running from. Dropping from my head space into my heart space gives me more truth than I could ever want. For, our hearts always know the answers, we just have to shut up long enough to hear them.

For most of my early life, I was deathly afraid of the of water. Even though I was born and raised in Florida, my parents own fear of water was passed down to my siblings and myself. I remember feeling embarrassed around other kids when I was in a pool or at the beach. Like – why am I so deficient that I can’t do what comes so easy to so many? When I was in my early 20s, I took a few lessons and started swimming a bit on my own, but I was always in a pool and stayed where I could touch the bottom. Even though I love the beach, I typically did not like being at the whim of the ocean’s constant ebb and flow and stayed safely near the shore. However, God has this funny way of testing our limits and our boundaries of what we believe to be possible. At the ripe old age of 38, I started to slowly test my limits of this deep fear. I began to swim by myself at my pool in the deep end for a few months. Then I started to get a bit braver, considering going out into the ocean on my own. See, I typically would only go out into deeper water (esp in the ocean) if there was someone else with me. But one day, when I was meditating, I had perhaps one of my first talks with the Big Guy. I had been contemplating going out into the ocean to deeper water, but I was terrified and was going to ask a friend to join me. During this mediation, God conveyed to me – “Really Robin, you’re going to trust Joe (names have been changed to protect the innocent 😊) to save you and not me?” Duly noted God, duly noted. One day soon thereafter, I put on my big girl panties and decided to go in the inlet all by myself for a quick swim. And guess what????? I survived!!!!!!! And I was actually pretty damn proud of myself. But oh, the work is not done quite yet. Next were my paddle boarding sojourns. For some of you, this may sound an easier feat, but you are talking to a newly reformed klutz. Before I started doing yoga 9 years ago I had about zero percent body awareness and was super ungrounded. This led to many embarrassing moments facilitated by falls, bumps, tumbles, and scrapes. So, I again pulled out my big girl panties and went paddle boarding. Even though my legs were shaking, and my heart was pounding in my chest – I absolutely loved it. Being out on the water, out in nature, doing something I never thought I would do, it was such a rush. This is also about the time that I had the revelation that God puts these little way finders in our person. It’s like these hidden instruction manuals within each and every one of us. The things we are most afraid of, hold the key to our most liberating experiences. Given this great discovery, it should have come as no great surprise to me that during my stay in Maui I would want to BE in the ocean. Not my normal pansy ass shallow water kindof being, but swimming around and enjoying it like so many others are able to do. About halfway through my trip, I met a guy who had just moved out to Maui. During one of our conversations, he mentioned Napili Beach which I later discovered provided a gentler wave than some of the other beaches. Once again, I pulled out those panties and made my way to the little cove on the west side of the island. While I was testing the waters a bit (no pun intended), I ended up floating near a family that had three little ones. The youngest of the 3, was a baby that looked to still be in diapers and probably wasn’t walking yet. The dad had a paddle board and was taking turns letting the kids go out with him. By the time the baby had her turn, I had swum pretty far out and was near the dad and little one. All of the sudden, very loudly and clearly I heard him say to her, “Remember what to do it you fall in the water? Just float and I’ll come get you.” Wow – if I didn’t lose my shit and start sobbing. As some of you may have experienced, God sometimes delivers us little messages through overheard conversations or little snippets that we pick up from strangers. This was apparently the message I needed to hear. During these various opportunities to overcome this fear, the parallel between swimming and real life has not been lost on me. Swimming is more about faith, letting go and surrendering than I had previously known in my youth, which is probably why I used to suck at it. And actually, also indicative of my jacked-up belief that I needed someone else to save me. All we have to do is go with the flow, enjoy life and God will take care of the rest – He really has made our journey quite easy. However, it is human nature that turns our journey into something that is difficult beyond belief. He just asks that we surrender to his infinite love and grace, he’ll take care of the rest. So, when in doubt - just float, and he’ll come get you.

Traveling by myself has been quite eye-opening for me. It’s a funny thing to see the progress you’ve made in your life so clearly. The old me was probably considered shy on some levels, and I def did not go out of my way to talk to strangers – you know, stranger danger and all of that. But it was also due in part to the massive amount of insecurity I had with myself. Will people like me, will I have anything to say, will we have anything in common? I will tell you – yes, we all have something in common. In fact, the most surprising thing that I’ve recognized is that we are more the same than we are different. We all have these ideas of groups of people and what society has deemed them to be like. Whether it’s the racial group that we fear, loathe, or simply don’t have the time of day for – the reality is, we can all learn something from each other. The issue is that many of us don’t allow this to take place. We write people off because they look different, have different sexual preferences than our own, or they might have different religious views than our own, the list goes on and on. As humans, we fear that which we do not understand. So, it becomes this vicious cycle of fear and avoidance and we never give ourselves the opportunity to overcome these perceived differences. ​ On my sojourn into Arizona, I met Debbie Dallas (yes, I know the reference and so did she), a Native American woman who could choose to think that all white people are the devil given what was done to her people. However, we sat and had a lovely conversation while my flat was repaired. She even helped me get onto a tour of Antelope Canyon. Or John Edwards, the fatherly African American man who changed said tire. When we started to get rained on, he warned that his “sweet chocolate would melt”. When I shared with him that I use the same phrase, minus the chocolate part he could have chosen to be offended but we shared a nice laugh. I also encountered numerous couples hiking and exploring the Petrified Forest, Lake Powell, and the Grand Canyon, and had quite lovely conversations with them all. I have no idea what car they drive, what football team they root for or how big their checkbook is, but we were able to connect in those moments. Traveling by yourself also affords you the opportunity to really be self-sufficient and to go with the flow. For example, I got a parking ticket on the first day, a flat the second and my room was jacked up on the third. But I was able to take all these things in stride and not allow them to upset me. I embraced each one for what it was and continued to laugh and enough my vacation. This is not something the old me would have been able to do. One thing I’ve really been embracing lately is the fact that things are going to turn out exactly as they are meant to. So, a large part of our free will comes into play when we talk about how we will handle those situations. We can choose to be calm and joyful about them or to be pissed off and resistant to them. The choice about how we handle them is all ours, so why not make it a joyous, peaceful experience? You should really try it out 😊

As girls, we are taught that we are only as valuable as our looks. Even if we know this to be a lie, we are inundated with images of the perfect female form, hair, brows, etc. Many times, these “ideals” are completely ridiculous and unattainable because of our God given physical traits. Like, I have hips and a butt, so I probably won’t ever get away with wearing high wasted stuff. And, that’s ok. Yet, we all still strive to fit in and look like everyone else. We jump on the band wagon of what we think is beautiful or “right”. We compare ourselves CONSTANTLY to some ideal that was passed down and shifted and morphed. But have you ever noticed something? Even if you happen to fulfill that ideal for a moment, it is fleeting because the next fad comes along so quickly. See, we’re not meant to ever attain what we are searching for, because then the beauty industry would cease to exist. If every woman woke up tomorrow and decided to love herself as is, the beauty industry would take A HUGE cut in its profits. And let’s face it, it’s mostly about profits. I’m not saying we shouldn’t love ourselves and want to use makeup and products to enhance our selfcare but honestly, we’re being used more by the industry than we even realize. Take an honest look at how much money, time and energy you spend on trying to look a certain way. How much in your head or out loud, verbally to your friends and anyone who will listen are you bitching about your body, hair, etc. It's a constant litany of, "my hair is to think, thin, curly, straight. My wrinkles are too pronounced, my butt is too big or small, my hips are too big, or small, my arms are flabby, my neck is wrinkly." The list goes on and on. I am 43 years old, 5'5" and about 135 pounds. I have some wrinkles and I perhaps a few extra pounds depending on what metric we're going by. What’s funny is that for a large part of my life, I have believed my body would be mostly acceptable if I could just lose this “extra” five pounds that seems to hang around my lower tummy. But when I look back at pictures of myself, even when I had perfected the lower tummy area (my supposed problem spot), I still was insecure as fuck thinking I was fat. Literally, I have been a size 4 for probably 20 years, and the “extra” five pounds on my body lead me to believe I am fat. The fear that when a man touches my body and does not find some made-up ideal, that he’ll run screaming from the bedroom. The funny thing is, it’s never happened. Because for the most part, men are far less worried about how our bodies look and if they are “perfect” than if they are going to get some lovings. And I’m sure that men have their own shit they are dealing with. But i'm not a dude, so I'll stick to what I know. So, why is all of this happening in our society? Why did the industry gain such a strong hold on us? Plain and simple. A woman in her power, loving herself, how she looks, who she is, without apology is dangerous. See, what we are doing externally is only a reflection of the shit we have going on internally. If I really loved myself and everything about me, do you think I would give a rat’s ass about 5 pounds that I have made up to be the end all and be all of my existence? I’ll answer that for you. No, I would not. So, here I am healing this wound at a deeper level for myself. To do so, I need to ask myself some serious questions. I need to look at how I got to where I am today. I need to shift and transform. I need to take a really hard look at why I am so obsessed with being someone other than the person I am. Why am I obsessed with trying to obtain some body ideal that even if I did, I would 110% then come up with some other shit to obsess about. Confident is Sexy Ladies, ask any man that you know what is sexier. A woman who has a “perfect” body but is insecure AF? Or a larger woman who is owning and loving her curves? Even if a man prefers a small figure on a woman, I can almost guarantee you he would prefer the woman with the confidence. But right, traditionally we believe the smaller woman is more beautiful. What if both were beautiful in their own way? What if neither of them were wrong or had to change how they looked? What if the only thing missing was that internal light shining to the world, saying “here I am, take me as I am or don’t take me at all.” How would the world shift? Our girls wouldn’t develop eating disorders during puberty. We could shift the priceless lifeforce energy from trying to change what is (our body), to making a true difference in the world. Inso Facto When we shed light on our beliefs and patterns, that is most of the battle. I’ve heard that identifying the belief is 60-80% of the spiritual work. And tbh, I’m not sure if that’s accurate but what I do know is two things. 1) Yes, awareness does create choice which leads to change and 2) it feels good to believe that 60-80% of the work is done for me just by acknowledging my shit. LOL, it’s all about choice ya’ll. Choose what makes you feel better. We cannot begin to change something until we recognize it for what it is. So, first recognizing and identifying the shitty programing in our little brains is the key to uncovering and shifting all of this jazz. How did we get here? We are a product of every comment, every judgement and gesture. Every mean word we ever repeated to ourselves, every comparison we ever made to another woman. Since we are energetic creatures, not only do we have our lineage, our personal stories, but we are also tapped into the collective feeling and belief of not being enough. Deep down, we believe we are not good enough, not worthy and not deserving of love. We believe that once we obtain some beauty ideal, we will be fully accepted and wanted. Can you see what a problem this creates? Feminine energy is meant to receive pleasure and receive in general. How can we receive the love of a man, or anyone else for that matter if we don’t love and accept ourselves? Ladies, I hate to break it to you, but someone has to. That man who treated you like shit, who didn’t value you…..he was only reflecting your own internal treatment of yourself into the external so you could see what was happening on the inside. I’m not negating abuse or how those men treated you (or me) but if they didn’t have a willing participant, then you wouldn’t have been there, right? It takes two to tango. And, for those of you suffering or recovering from any type of abusive relationship, if this blog doesn’t resonate with you, please leave now. You may have some additional therapy that needs to be done before you can begin to move through these wounds. For the rest of you, I’m always a firm believer that to get to where we want to be, we need to look to the beginning. When going through these questions, try to be aware of both spoken and unspoken beliefs. 1) What did your mom, sisters, grandmother (or any other woman of influence) believe about their bodies and their looks? 2) What did your dad, brothers, grandfather (or any man of influence) say or imply about women’s bodies and their looks? 3) What beliefs did you pick up from media, advertising, etc about what a woman should look like? 4) List any comments, feelings or perceptions you picked up from past lovers, or partners. 5) What is a story that you tell yourself about you looks and/or body? What does our body represent? We are a soul living in these physical bodies. Your body is a house for your soul. What is more perfect than that? God designed this little vehicle to carry us around on this planet. It is NOT A FUCKING MEAT SUIT. It is a luxury piece of spiritual technology. It is meant to enjoy life and for us to feel pleasure. Think about it. Without our bodies, we would just be a glob of energy. The ability to feel, to enjoy life is allowed through our body. For some reason, many of us have been cutoff from this simple ability to feel anything, especially pleasure. We are taught that its hedonistic to enjoy ourselves too much. And what the fuck is this “too much” biz anyway????? Some questions around the issue of pleasure for your contemplation: 1) How does my body give me pleasure? 2) What could I not experience in life if I didn’t have this physical form? 3) What do I like feeling or experiencing? 4) What do I dislike experiencing? And FYI, contrast is an important thing. Sometimes we don’t know what we like until we experience the opposite. 5) How can I let more pleasure into my life? I would love to hear how these questions and ponderings have helped you to shed light on any of your wounding around your body and what it represents. Please DM me on Instagram @SpiritualCFO or schedule a free consultation to see how I can assist you further. Much love, Robin Shed Some Light on It @SpiritualCFO #bodylove #eatingdisorders #loveyourbody #drstutz #stutz # #personalgrowth #spiritualawakening #bodydysmorphia #pleasure #meatsuit

October 3, 2018 Ponderings I’ve had the great realization lately that we all talk to ourselves. Unfortunately, what we usually have to say is not so nice and perhaps the worst part is that we are completely unaware. My internal dialogue tells me I’m annoying, unlovable, not worthy - actually the list of my reported transgressions goes on and on. Although we are not our thoughts, meaning we are a soul with a brain and a body, our thoughts do greatly influence our reality. First off, our thoughts create feelings in us. Since we are all one and part of God’s loving energy, every time we have a negative thought about ourselves or someone else, it actually goes against our very nature of love. Since it goes against our very nature, and who we truly are, this discordance causes us to have “negative” feelings. The old me used to think I was controlled by my thoughts and emotions, I mean it surely felt that way. I really can’t even begin to quantify the number of times I said things I really didn’t mean because I was hurt or upset. And, I’m sure most of you can relate to that. We do it ALL the time. Usually, our negative self-talk REALLY gets triggered when we make a mistake or are hurt but it’s happening almost 24/7. Our ego tries to fix or rationalize why something happened. We say something stupid and the ego wants to go back and fix it somehow. Or worse, someone says something to us that is upsetting. Instead of communicating those thoughts and feelings to the other party in the moment, we actually just replay the scenario over and over again in our heads. Which is a form of punishment to ourselves, we put the painful situation on repeat. Or for some of us, we talk about it ad nauseum to our friends and family, as if having them agree with us will somehow make the situation right or bring some kind of resolution. All this does is bring more pain. Something that should have hurt for a few minutes turns into these wounds that we carry around our entire lives. And if you know how energy works, you know that by focusing on the situation, you are just feeding it with more energy to create this never-ending cycle. A lot of the current self-talk I had going on in my head was just programmed and carried on from childhood. I walked around all day, every day with this record in my head on repeat of how shitty I was. And guess what? Your brain can go on and on and on and on and on…..You get the picture. So, as always, the first step is awareness. It’s estimated that we have 70,000 thoughts a day. So, ideally those thoughts would all be happy, fluffy unicorns and rainbows. Yes, I can dream. How do we change this? Although we may not be able to completely control our thoughts, meditation does allow us to slow them down and recognize them, so we can begin replacing them with healthier choices. Kind of like a new way of eating for your brain. Mediation teaches us how to just watch the thoughts go by, like clouds in the sky, not attaching or associating with them. But the past few weeks, I’ve really been seeing and learning how we can train our brains to be more positive. I mean, if we trained them to tell us how crappy we are, surely, they can be nice too, right? So now I talk to myself all the time but this time, it’s a much nicer story line. Now, I check in with myself to see how I’m doing throughout the day. I stop to acknowledge my feelings and thoughts instead of rejecting them or judging them. Then I try to gently persuade them towards greener pastures. Love and light y'all! Robin #spiritualgrowth #egovoice #internalvoice #spiritualawakening

March 13, 2018 I recently did a cleanse and it got me thinking. Perhaps the “easiest” part of this cleanse, is that I know it’ll be over, and I’ll have food again. For some people, they have no idea where their next meal is coming from, when it will be, what it will be, and more importantly – what they might have to do to get it. This caused me to think of so many other things we assume we have a privilege to receive in life. Every day, we take so many things for granted - our homes, our food, our family, our friends. We so often don’t take time to think about those who suffer day in and day out. We don’t stop to think about the one thing that might have happened in that person’s life that put them on the wrong track. The one wrong turn that caused their life to look so much different than our own. Sitting through training for volunteering, I see the number of similarities between my background and women who find themselves in a vicious cycle of abuse. Do we stop to think about those in our society that suffer every single day with addiction, substance abuse, domestic abuse, rape, lack of food or shelter, the list goes on and on? We’re all guilty of it, forgetting the pain of others. We might gripe about not getting that raise, or not being able to afford that new car, vacation or phone we wanted. But what if we all just took a moment from our busy lives and spend an hour a week volunteering? If you think you don’t have time, all you have to do is skip one TV show a week, or miss the evening news, or skip shopping on a Saturday. I know it may not seem like you have extra time, but we all do. We all spend countless hours each week wasting time on insignificant tasks. And if you really don’t have the time, donate $20 a month, you know – probably less than you spend on coffee for the month – to a charity, any charity. The impact we make by giving our time, our love, a few dollars, or even our God-given gifts to others, far outweighs the imagined sacrifice. Love shared and exchanged amongst those in our community is a small price to pay for the grace which is returned to us. #givingback #volunteering #love #gratitude #donate #spiritualcfo #spirituality #staugustine

I’ve lived with anxiety a long time. I lived with it before I had a name for it. I lived with it, not knowing it was destroying my happiness and joy. I was always on edge of what could happen, what could go wrong, how someone would hurt me, or creating fear of how I would fuck up everything. It has constantly nitpicked everything I’ve ever done. It has kept me from so much possibility because, what if I did that thing and it failed? What if I loved that person and they broke my heart? What if I don’t have the resources I need? What if, what if, what if. It’s like a constant symphony on replay in my psyche that I’ve never been able to rid myself of. Recently, I was chatting with a colleague, and she was saying, maybe it’s time to integrate and make peace with that voice instead of trying to get rid of it. Funny, I tell my clients this all the time but for whatever reason I had never thought to do it with this voice. For 43 years, it has just felt like this uncontrollable part of me. I heard Debra Silverman say that each planet in astrology represents an internal voice for us. Given this insight, I know where this critical ass version of me comes from in my chart – it is my Saturn in Virgo. Saturn is the planet of time, discipline, hard work, structure, learning, teaching and challenges. Virgo energy is detail-oriented, perfectionism, intelligence, anxiety, service, and structure. So, as you can imagine, Saturn in Virgo can be a bit of a challenging combo. The other fun part is that my dad was a Virgo, ex-Marine. So, all during childhood I got to hear how I was doing EVERYTHING wrong. And by wrong, it really just meant it wasn’t his way of doing things. I had no way of knowing that during childhood, so I just thought I was a fuck up. Or, if I did something outside of what others wanted of me, it was wrong and indulgent. So, there is this part of me that is scared to move at times for fear of making a mistake. And even when I do accomplish something, it is the beratement afterwards that reminds me that, I’ll just never be good enough. Because if I’m being completely honest, this voice has also helped me to accomplish a ton in my life. We don’t get to give credit to the challenging without also acknowledging the positive. It has kept me striving and growth-oriented, always wanting to learn and expand. Thankfully, this voice has gotten kinder and gentler over the years of my spiritual journey but it is still affecting me. And to be honest, probably more than I realize. The message I am constantly hearing in my spiritual work or in dance (my other big spiritual work but also my favorite pastime right now), is that I’m holding back, I’m not allowing myself to be seen, I can do more but I don’t allow myself to. The thing that frustrates me the most is that I know deep down this is true and I would LOVE to allow myself to be fully expressed but I really have no idea what else I need to do. Ha, and maybe that’s the problem. Maybe there isn’t anything else I need to do. Maybe I just get to be me – unapologetically, perfectly imperfect, to allow myself to make mistakes, to fuck up, to get messy and loud and annoying. I get to release the people pleaser or the part of me that never wants to feel uncomfortable or out of place. Maybe that’s how I’m supposed to feel. I'm still figuring this shit out :) Perhaps if you are doing big things in your life and in the world, you are meant to feel like a giant ass imposter. Maybe you are meant to feel out of place and sticking out like a sore thumb. Afterall, being a part of the status quo has never been the goal for me. I want a big, abundant life filled with laughter, pleasure and play. I don’t want a 9-5 with traditional security and structure. I want to make my own way. I want to push myself and be a leader. I want an amazing relationship that is kind, supportive and filled with laughter. I want to help so many people, I can’t even count them. And to be quiet honest with you and myself, I’m not really sure where that leaves me right now. I just know that I needed to get that all out onto "paper". Thank you for being here with me during my journey. I’m so very grateful for you! Much love and light, Robin @spiritualcfo #spiritualgrowth #perfectionism #instagramhealing #saturn #virgo #saturninvirgo #dance #healing #growth