I’ve lived with anxiety a long time. I lived with it before I had a name for it. I lived with it, not knowing it was destroying my happiness and joy. I was always on edge of what could happen, what could go wrong, how someone would hurt me, or creating fear of how I would fuck up everything. It has constantly nitpicked everything I’ve ever done. It has kept me from so much possibility because, what if I did that thing and it failed? What if I loved that person and they broke my heart? What if I don’t have the resources I need? What if, what if, what if. It’s like a constant symphony on replay in my psyche that I’ve never been able to rid myself of.
Recently, I was chatting with a colleague, and she was saying, maybe it’s time to integrate and make peace with that voice instead of trying to get rid of it. Funny, I tell my clients this all the time but for whatever reason I had never thought to do it with this voice. For 43 years, it has just felt like this uncontrollable part of me. I heard Debra Silverman say that each planet in astrology represents an internal voice for us. Given this insight, I know where this critical ass version of me comes from in my chart – it is my Saturn in Virgo. Saturn is the planet of time, discipline, hard work, structure, learning, teaching and challenges. Virgo energy is detail-oriented, perfectionism, intelligence, anxiety, service, and structure. So, as you can imagine, Saturn in Virgo can be a bit of a challenging combo.
The other fun part is that my dad was a Virgo, ex-Marine. So, all during childhood I got to hear how I was doing EVERYTHING wrong. And by wrong, it really just meant it wasn’t his way of doing things. I had no way of knowing that during childhood, so I just thought I was a fuck up. Or, if I did something outside of what others wanted of me, it was wrong and indulgent. So, there is this part of me that is scared to move at times for fear of making a mistake. And even when I do accomplish something, it is the beratement afterwards that reminds me that, I’ll just never be good enough. Because if I’m being completely honest, this voice has also helped me to accomplish a ton in my life. We don’t get to give credit to the challenging without also acknowledging the positive. It has kept me striving and growth-oriented, always wanting to learn and expand.
Thankfully, this voice has gotten kinder and gentler over the years of my spiritual journey but it is still affecting me. And to be honest, probably more than I realize. The message I am constantly hearing in my spiritual work or in dance (my other big spiritual work but also my favorite pastime right now), is that I’m holding back, I’m not allowing myself to be seen, I can do more but I don’t allow myself to. The thing that frustrates me the most is that I know deep down this is true and I would LOVE to allow myself to be fully expressed but I really have no idea what else I need to do. Ha, and maybe that’s the problem. Maybe there isn’t anything else I need to do. Maybe I just get to be me – unapologetically, perfectly imperfect, to allow myself to make mistakes, to fuck up, to get messy and loud and annoying. I get to release the people pleaser or the part of me that never wants to feel uncomfortable or out of place. Maybe that’s how I’m supposed to feel. I'm still figuring this shit out :)
Perhaps if you are doing big things in your life and in the world, you are meant to feel like a giant ass imposter. Maybe you are meant to feel out of place and sticking out like a sore thumb. Afterall, being a part of the status quo has never been the goal for me. I want a big, abundant life filled with laughter, pleasure and play. I don’t want a 9-5 with traditional security and structure. I want to make my own way. I want to push myself and be a leader. I want an amazing relationship that is kind, supportive and filled with laughter. I want to help so many people, I can’t even count them. And to be quiet honest with you and myself, I’m not really sure where that leaves me right now. I just know that I needed to get that all out onto "paper".
Thank you for being here with me during my journey. I’m so very grateful for you!
Much love and light,